Feeling more on top of life today than yesterday… but it still sucks.
K was really sad today – she was at the library and was so sad that they had to call me out of my classroom to come and be with her. She sat on my lap for half an hour while the librarian took the class and we managed to get her involved in the story. Poor little thing misses you terribly and it seems she is getting worse.
H spent a long time with the guidance counsellor at school today – I imagine I’ll find out more on that later in the week.
Both of them are really angry that it had to be *you* that died and I admit, I am also rather cheesed off about that. Seriously *why* us??? As far as I can tell, we are all reasonably kind, caring, helpful, friendly, loving individuals and when the kids ask why God took you and not that lunatic that lives 3 doors down from Mum and Dad’s I’ve got no answer.
But I am thankful for small things.
Like becoming closer to J. She and I have known each other since we were 11, and yet we are closer now than ever. She can see through my brave face.
She sends me an e-mail Every Single Day full of light and laughter. She makes me meals and brings them to me. And she is funny. I laugh so hard at the things she says and how she can stare out an oncoming shit-storm and laugh about it later….
Most of all, she understands how hard this is for us every single day. Never once has she forgotten that it’s ultimately ME that can’t get away from this grief. Everything I do, every minute of every day, I can’t escape it. Not when I wake up, not at the breakfast table, not as we leave for school, or even the fact that I[‘m only working at this school since you died, not at dinner time, not curled up on the couch and certainly not when I will go and climb into our cold lonely bed in a few minutes.
This grief is everywhere I turn and I can’t get away from it.
I miss you.
I love you.