882 days
I almost drove past the accident site yesterday.
I haven’t even been to that side of town since The Accident.
But yesterday, the freeway was closed and so I went the old way we used to go to work.
I had thought there would be more distance between The Bad Place and the turn-off.
I didn’t realise I could see The Bad Place from the traffic lights.
I didn’t realised I could see the black mark on the wall. Still.
….and I am right back in the hell of feeling your loss in everything, every minute, every day.
…..
I don’t want to live for much longer.
I am not suicidal, I just don’t want a long life.
I can only stand this one for as long as it takes the kids to grow up.
After that, all bets are off.
Work gives me some relief – I am so much better for working every day, doing something I am good at.
But work for next year is so uncertain due to the new Queensland Government’s job cuts. (On a side note – I wonder how many suicides those job cuts are responsible for??)
People don’t get the difference between feeling suicidal and just not wanting to live a long life – it is different.
I remember feeling angry at your mother for not getting a lump on her breast checked until after it had metastasised and abscessed.
But now I get it – your father had died and this was her “out”.
She wasn’t suicidal, but she was done with life.
It makes so much sense now….
I miss you,
I love you.
XA
completely different things. On my mind a lot lately.
I went back to our river site a few times, including less than two weeks After, and multiple times in the first two months. The first time I went back, I went back to swim. I knew if I didn’t, it would become a place that could only be ugly, not the beautiful place we had known it to be. I haven’t been in over two years now, and I am astounded at the Me that went back. Now I avoid the entire town and the road out to it; it’s just too much.
xo
You’re words really resonate with me. All of them. I don’t drive the road anymore, I go out of my way to avoid it, I completely changed my route to everywhere just so I won’t have to drive over the spot where my love took his last breath. And I understand the line between suicidal and not wanting to live forever. This has been on my mind frequently since my love was killed and constantly this week. I look at myself in the mirror every day and I find myself praying that this will all be over soon. And it’s not just grief-nonsense. I truly mean it. I am tired.
So many hugs to you. Hope you don’t mind this stranger’s 2 cents.
I totally understand.
Love you.
x
There’s a tiredness that descended over me as my loved ones moved on to their next astral plane. It’s just so wickedly wearying, all this carrying on and being excited about life… After the miscarriage, all bets were off for a couple months, now that’s calmed back down but, hell, how much more can a psyche take before it implodes….
I am so sorry Amanda, I’d hug you if we were in proximity; maybe you can feel the vibe.
It is so very, very shit.
Oh love. xxxxx