I thought I would be better this year. I really did.
But I’m still falling down the rabbit hole.
An now today, I wake from little sleep.
I try to sleep more, but can’t.
I am flustered because I want to be at the cemetery at the exact time you died, and know I won’t make it.
It is still raining (has it stopped at all in 3 years? is this the same rain that killed you?)
The kids are sad.
I am sad.
The flooded garage during the week didn’t help.
We meet Mum for lunch.
I don’t know what to eat.
I choose poorly and gag on my food.
The kids whinge.
I come home.
I eat far too much chocolate.
I visit Mum and Dad.
Our son decides its time to have a tantrum that we haven’t seen in years.
I come home.
I distract myself on the internet.
I manage to bait a troll who wants to debate me on half-facts and semantics ( trolls are sad when they can’t understand the information they’ve cut and pasted from elsewhere and then try to defend their misunderstanding.)
I opt out of the debate (there isn’t one in my head, nor in the science and I don’t need the agro today of all days).
I try to sleep.
I ask you to talk to me.
I read a book that my lovely friend sent me…..
…..and it makes me think….
….and then I remember that flowers arrived right at the time you died.
more flowers arrived right when I was feeling really low.
…and then my friend arrived just because and we chatted.
….and I sleep.
Fitfully, but I sleep.