It’s 38 days since I kissed you goodbye and sent you off to work. I keep listening for the sound of your car in the driveway announcing your return each evening …. but it doesn’t come.

Well today has been a fun-fest of going through your clothes. I’m trying to be sensible about what to keep but I find myself drawn to the threadbare t-shirts and ripped shorts.  I’ve put some in space bags and am giving some away to charity.  I’ve also kept some t-shirts and singlets for me to wear.  Picture me in one of your old blue singlets as I go to bed …. I know what you are thinking … sexxxxxxxy … right?

I also wrote an e-mail to the titles office to try and organise what I’m supposed to do about our house. Apparently I can’t leave it in both names and have to pay the government an exorbitant amount of money to change it. This was what I wrote:
Hi – I hope you can help me…
My husband died at the start of March and I’ve been told I’m supposed to pay you some money to change the names on the title (?) to our house to just me and not both of us as tenants in common (?)
Can you please let me know what form I’m supposed to fill in and where to send it. It would be god if you could reply in plan English and not legal jargon as I’ve had my fill of that for the day.

It would also be good if you could explain why I have to do this, because, frankly, it’s a right royal pain in the arse.  Right now I’m barely dealing with breathing in and out and this added bit of form filing in is really doing my head in.  I mean, MY name is on the title and I’d assume that was OK with you, but apparently I need to pay you $200 to REMOVE a name.  I mean its just you pressing the delete key on a few letters, so I’m not really sure why it costs you $200 to do that – it can’t take more than about 60 seconds of your time.  Man – I must be working in the wrong government department…they don’t pay me enough…

So OK, I didn’t send the crossed out bit but I totally wrote that in the draft of the e-mail and it was only the grace of a goody-two-shoes thought that popped into my head that I deleted it.

Oh – and here’s another ripper for you … in the movie we saw yesterday, the Dad was away at the war (it was set during WW2) and the wife and kids  got a telegram to say he was KIA (which was a ploy from the evil uncle who wanted to sell the farm).  They later found out that the Dad was only MIA and he returned at the end and the farm was saved … but HELLO!  what an excercise in ripping my guts out during a kid’s movie!    To top it off, we didn’t realise the theatre door was open early enough and had to sit in the front row.  Totally puts a new perspective on the movie….  On the up side, it was interesting to get the kids talking about our situation which I think they do need to do.

In other news,  the sobbing for the past day has been fairly high, and the kids heard me last night which was kind of good but kind of bad because while they say its good for your kids to see you cry, probably not so good for them to be worried about me…

Anyway, these letters are helping me.  I know you don’t like the swearing in them (or maybe the goody-two-shoes voice in my head made me delete that as well) but I say come and  change it if you don’t like it!  Ha- got you there.

Seriously though I need more rainbows and head tingly-thingies.  Either that or get me John Edward on speed dial so he can talk to you for me.  God’s not a bad channel either, but he has heaps of people talking to him at once so sometimes I think it might be nice to give him a rest from my blathering.  Seriously – there are plenty of people out there with worse problems than mine.  That still doesn’t stop the epic suckage of being your widow.  I wasn’t meant to be a widow EVER … remember the deal … you wre gunna die in your sleep at 97 years old with me going 5 minutes before you.  Instead, I was a widow before the age of 40.

OK – I’ll sign off for now and try to get some sleep tonight – then I maaaaay manage some coherence tomorrow.

Love you to the moon and back again.