and it’s 40 days since I last saw you.
A whole 40 days. It feels like a lifetime and yet I know you were in the back yard mucking around with an engine just yesterday.
So far, today has been bad. I’m trying not to cry too much in front of the kids because it is starting to worry them. But Oh. My. God. how am I supposed to do this without you?
I know I’ve got friends and family here to help but it’s NOT the same as having you here.
EVERYTHING is screaming at me that this is wrong.
This shouldn’t be happening. why me? why us?
what the hell did I DO that was so bad that this is my penalty.

and how I ache with the knowing that you would have been so so sad to know your worst nightmare was coming true as your soul left your body there in that car wreck.
That fucking car wreck.
Yes I swore – if you don’t like it, come back and stop me.

Somebody told me that you were going to let J go by himself and only decided to go with him 5 minutes before he left on the assessment run.  The number of times I’ve wished that I’d called you at that critical 5 minutes mark is growing each day.  The what-ifs are killing me, and yet I can’t stop them.

Somebody else (your most annoying sister) made the comment that she wished you WERE driving because then the accident wouldn’t have happened.  I’d like to think not, but I don’t know.  and I know I logically can’t hold J responsible … I mean he died as well … but damn it…. it’s just not fair.

…and why is it that I only understand all those gut feelings I had NOW?  I mean, you know how nervous I was in cars.  how I was always scared that there’d be an accident despite us both being very good drivers.  and now I remember the dream I had a month before you died.  I don’t know if I told you about it or not … but you died in a car accident and I was crying in my sleep and I almost strngled you with the hugging when I woke up to find you next to me.  How I wish this was still a dream that I could wake up from.  and the other dream I did tell you about with me being so sad that I grew a huge beard just like yours that wouldn’t come off.  and then I touched it with my hands and it fell off in my fingers … some prophetic sense that I’d have to become both Mum AND Dad to the kids?  I don’t know.

OK – I promised you I’d keep it together for the kids.  I’m going to do that.  Right now I’m going to get up from this desk and go do something with them.  It may involve wringing their necks as they have just begun to fight … agin.

Fuck it.

I hate this.

XA

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Update at 5:30 pm….

Keryn and Sammy came to visit this afternoon and just made the day that much brighter.  Keryn has taken all the photos of you in my facebook folder, printed my favourites and she and her sister scrapbooked them into the most amazing memory book.  It is so beautiful.  You would even approve despite it being a “girly thing to do with photos”.
K, H and Sammy played so well togetehr the entire time tehy were here and Sammy remembered her last visit where you showed her the chooks.

I am thankful to God that I am supported by angels everywhere … some in human form, but they are angels…..  People are holding us up high and praying for us.  I really feel it this afternoon.

Love you forever

XA

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