and 46 days since I last clung to you like a limpet while you slept.

Today was a hard day and I think I did quite well until the evening….

It was raining quite heavily this morning.  I’ve never liked the rain much and after your accident, I’ve come to hate rain with a passion.  Yet I know you love it….

I don’t work Fridays at the moment so I dropped the kids at school (and had t o stay in the prep room as no actual teacher had turned up by 9:00 am).

I picked Mum up after I finally left school and we initially went to look for “sympathy thank you cards” (what a concept!) and once we realised the cost for the eleventy-million cards we received after you died and the PRICE of the ready-made cards we knew we’d be broke.  So we decided to make our own…. We tried looking in the scrap-booking shop at the corner house and the lady spent a solid 15 minutes completely ignoring us when we were patently bewildered by the place.  So we moved on to the next appointment…..

The solicitor.  Luckily this lady is one of the truly beautiful souls in the legal profession.  She saw me for an hour a few weeks back as I talked over the situation I’m now in since your death and she dispensed really sane advice … without charging a cent nor expecting my return.  However probate (on the farm and possibly superannuation) is far too tricky for my remaining brain cell to cope with, so I’ve asked her to continue with that.  That and the insurance claim.  Hopefully we’ll end up with enough money to put the kids through school.  and eat.  Both things together would be preferable, although I’m prepared to give up food over education (for me – don’t worry, the kids will always be fed something remotely healthy).

From there, we came to see your little corner of the cemetary.  It’s the first time I’ve been back since the funeral and I can’t stress enough that you need a clean up!  I see your hoarding has not stopped as the dead flowers from the funeral were still heaped next to your grave.  I refuse to take away dead flowers.  The cemetary staff can do that.  Of course there were three funerals on at the time, one of which was just near you.  I know some people think its odd that I don’t see the need to ‘see” you at the cemetary, but as I believe you are with me and the kids, I don’t really see the point of visiting such a pain-filled place.

On the up side, we looked at the available options for a memorial plaque and I talked over leaving space for me on the plaque as I’ll end up in there with you in one form or another (still can’t quite come at being buried and think you were insane to prefer that).  At the moment, I’m thinking a plaque with space for me and a photo of you or a cross on the side.  The lady suggested that she could put our wedding photo in the middle and  I quite like the idea, but Mum hated the thought and thinks any photo should be a recent one each of us….  but I maintain that if I’m putting a photo of you looking all young and handsome on the thing, there’s no way I’m letting anyone put a photo of me aged 95 on it when I eventually clock out of life (damn my long-lived female relatives as it looks like I’ll live faaaar too long based on Grandma who didn’t clock off until 96 and Nana who’s still going strong at 93! … and please don’t take that literally God!  I have no desire to die anytime soon and my Mum now has to live until she’s 130 years old!  OK!!!)  …and on red granite base.  It’s really a pinky colour but enough of a blend of yours and my favourite colours (red and pink) to be fitting.

From there it was back to buying cards for the sympathy thank you thingy … k-mart turned out to be cheapest.

..Then, as I was picking the kids up, I happened to notice the date on the birthday party invite sent to K&H for their friend was TODAY and not tomorrow like I thought.  So we went off to the screaming shack (near bunnings) and the kids ran riot…. and *I* had a really nie time talking with the school Mums I really like.  In fact, I had as much fun as the kids I think….

…and then I had to drive home thinking that it’s a Friday night and all I wanted to do was pick up some takeaway and curl up with you on the couch.  I just want to hold you.

I miss you so much.

XA

PS – memory of the day….

Going to Bunnings and Supercheap and knowing that you were so organised with your handyman jobs and tools and things.  I miss that.  You truly were my Mr Fixit.

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