…49 days since we last woke up together.  I miss those wake-up cuddles.

After an OK weekend, this morning was spent with more waves of sadness that I couldn’t stop for a while. …  The shower is a great place fo sobbing … just so you know.

School again today.   Kids were good.  Well most of them.

I spoke with the financial planner on the phone today.  I meet with him Friday week.  I hope he’s got a hat full of rabbits.

I’m feeling down tonight … I guess I’m more sensitive to this than others but I find Channel 9’s blatant crucifixion of  Carl Williams’ *daughter* in the media really horrible.  What he  may or may not have done during his life shouldn’t mean that his young daughter’s life is exposed in the media … and on the day he died.    tasteless.  and cruel.

The kids are both down tonight too.  K is unwell.  Both of them see the psychologist for our PTSD / adjustment disorders tomorrow.  Yep, we all are on mental health plans now … hope you are proud!  You always said I was a nutcase.

The phone just rang – more offers of teaching contracts.  I told the lady why I wasn’t working full-time just now and she as nice – apparently I’m on the top of the list which explains the number of phone calls I’ve had in the last week.  Nice to know, but it makes me happy to be going to the kid’s lovely little primary school each day.  It’s too easy to go to work.

So tonight is a bit … blah… really.  Life feels flat. empty.  sad.

Today I remember how excited you were during the births of the kids … and sick.  I mean you NEVER got sick.  Ever.  ….except the two times I was in labour.  Then you had to have man flu.  The midwives were far more concerned that you’d pass out than about me I think.

You did suck it up for a bit though.  As I pushed all 9lb 12oz of H out (without DRUGS – pethideine does NOTHING) I felt a tremendous urge to bite something and I was holding your hand in front of my face at the time.  I can’t tell you how badly I wanted to bite your arm, but knew it would be WRONG to do that so I bit the sleeve of your jumper, thinking I’d made a good compromise … until afterwards when you told me I’d been pulling the hairs on your arm with my teeth through the jumper.

…and how happy were you that you had a boy?  Actually, about as happy as you were the day we had our girl 😉

You just *loved* being a “Daddy with whiskers”.  You really did fit the bill perfectly.

I love you.

XA

(PS – computer has been *painful*)

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