59 days….

Life has been up and down for the past few days.  I swing between feeling in control and then weeping and sobbing.

I think the news that speed was not a factor came both as a huge relief, but also stirred up a lot of  “what-ifs” and feelings of anger.  More so, I am dwelling far too much on just how badly you were hurt.  I know it’s pointless and yet I go back there time and again.  Sometimes I wonder if I should find out exactly what your “multiple injuries” were as I don’t know if my imagination is more graphic … but then perhaps having an image that is real in my head would be worse – there’s no escaping the brutality of your death.

Strangely, knowing that you didn’t suffer is good – I know that dying and leaving us was your worst nightmare and knowing  you were leaving us would have been even more painful.  I know you would have fought to stay with us with all your might.

In other news, I’m now worried about H.  *I* think he’s a relatively normal, intelligent 5-year-old boy who cares deeply about his family and friends but that he is so sad that he is more angry and stubborn than normal.  This morning, he woke up angry and was looking for a fight.  I refused to fight him for at least 45 minutes before I cracked up and basically made him eat his breakfast and get ready for school – he NEVER used to so that.  Now tonight, he tells me that he was feeling really sad.  So it makes sense that he was angry.  I guess he is working out that none of us can change what’s happened no matter how much we want to.  Knowing that fact just sucks.

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Memory of the day:

our honeymoon to Tassie.  That was the most wonderful time in my life I think…..  Walking around the lake near Cradle Mountain stands out as one of the most wonderful days of our life together.   I remember it was freezing but we loved the *actual* snow everywhere and I discovered how difficult it was to walk on ice (you already knew, having lived in NZ for a few years before we met).  We had our photo taken together near the hut at the end of the circuit.  I know I felt how cold the water in the lake was …. brrrrr.

I also remember the restaurant we found on our first night in Hobart… it had a great mural of a 50s diner painted on the outside and the tables were made from engine parts.  The barman found out that we were on our honeymoon and the whole bar congratulated us: we were both so happy.  I also remember eating my (then miniscule) bodyweight in scallops and breaking out in an allergic skin reaction the next day.  You may have had more sense than me … but I think you also had an enormous basket of fried scallops for dinner… I think I also discovered apple cider that night and fell over on the way home (it took all of 1 cider to do that – I’m a cheap drunk).  You, ever the gentleman, helped me up and steadied me on our walk back to the motel.

You were gorgeous!

I loved you then and I’ll love you forever more

XA

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