61 days.

I miss you so much.  It still feels like you’ve just been at the farm for a really long time and I wish you would come home.

…and I really need to stop thinking about how badly you were injured.  I know I can’t change anything.

But I’m reminded of what you said about the only other time you were badly hurt – you came off your motorbike on the highway and broke your ankle and a teenage girl held your head in her lap and sang to you until the ambulance arrived.  Nobody did that for you this time.

Gah.

Everything is falling in on me at the moment and I’m a wee bit over it.  I’m going to pull the pin on anything difficult and just do what I think is best.  After all, I’m usually right … admit it!

I’m really tired.  and sad. and getting angrier by the day.  If I have to deal with another freakin idiot I might just start saying things out loud that I might otherwise not say…

…  like telling people when to pull their heads in: “No.  I DO NOT WANT to help you with your assignment/ help you get a job/ listen to your list of bumps and scrapes your 5-year-old has endured since he was born/ discuss your navel or your holiday plans  … frankly, you bore me to tears and I’d really rather you Just Go Away Now.  Maybe I used to be polite and sit and listen through your trivia, but I can’t stand it anymore”. (Variously apply to Timmy’s Mum et al. as the case may be). Why is it that these people seem to think I should be “over the worst of it” by now when really, the road has just started to get rougher….  they seem to think I can just go back to fitting in yet another “favour” for them.

Thank goodness there are enough people who see / can see through my brave-face to what it’s like – like J and L…. and Mum of course.  They just help and help and help.

OK – I’m off to bed soon.  The kids are asleep.  K has been a right PITA all day with her whinging and whining, but H has been a delight – I put together the electronic photo frame thingy and he sad and watched the whole slide show with various “oohs and ahhhhs”.  Both of them are still very very sad.

as am I.

This life sucks.  I did not choose it and I do not want it.  It is wrong.  Right now, I have a lot of trouble believing it will be anywhere near right ever again.

But I go to sleep each night and I wake up each day and I plod on.

XA

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