97 days….

Today has been a rollercoaster.

D from work visited this morning with a theory on the accident.  It makes sense.  He also told me the footage of the crash has been used yet again on the tv when there was a story on speeding. He couldn’t remember which channel though.  I really need to write a curt letter to the tv stations stating that the car was NOT speeding and to CEASE and DESIST from using the file footage of the wreck in stories on  speeding. It’s enough to make a girl go nuts.

I’ve cried a lot today.
K had a party and Mum was going to look after H, but I ended up leaving K at the party (once I’d checked it out for safety and supervision) and visiting your grave.
Funny, but I really don’t feel like you are there at all….. more that you followed me there.
At least you gravesite isn’t looking quite so depressing as it was…. it’s just …. blah.
I did a lot of crying there today though – more because there was no one else in sight and if I want to have a good cry somewhere without somebody nosing in on me, a graveside is a good a place as any….

The upshot is that my face and eye sockets ache with the crying.  Breathing was a bit hard for a while too.

Reading some of the grave markers made me notice how close together many of the married couple’s deaths were.  On the face of it, it looks like a broken heart can, in fact, kill you.

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I’ve been amiss on the memory of the day…. and today’s is how well you could draw.  It did form part of your trade in the form of technical diagrams but you could also easily copy something down as a picture.  K brought out a drawing you did of Santa at Christmas time.  So cute.

….and as I looked into the sky whilst pegging out the laundry today, the clouds looked just like you’d drawn a picture of me.

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I wish I could hop into a time machine to get through the next 40 years in a flash … raise the kids and do all the things I’m supposed to do, but not have to live through every minute.
It’s pure torture being the one that didn’t die.

I miss you so much and I love you even more.

XA

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