102 days…..

I worked all day today – awesome.

My favourite Yr 1 class this arvo with my two darling ASD boys and beautiful Ky whose blood sugar I have to check every half hour.  They are all beautiful kids 🙂

I think they are the reason why I’m happiest at school.

Then I walk out the gate and start to cry.  Doesn’t say much for my state of mind I guess – but that’s what really hurts – how much I rock this teaching shizzle and how badly I want to tell you about it when I get home.

And this is the only way I can tell you…. and that just plain sucks.

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I forgot to tell you that I found your pocket knife.  When it wasn’t in the things we were given back from the morgue, I was devastated to think  that it met the same fate as your watch (shattered into a million pieces …. which were kindly gathered from the footwell of the car by the investigating officer – and which we were able to place in your coffin with you).  Your phone was something I couldn’t look at for a long time.  GC had washed off the blood, but still, it’s smashed face (even from inside its protective case)  told me so much about the violence of your death.

But your pocket knife was the twin to mine.  You always had it with you, just as I always have mine with me.  Comes from your bushy background to always carry a pocket knife and it rubbed off on me.

I had asked the police about it, sure that it was in the front left-hand pocket of your workshorts …. but I found it in the center console of *your* car.  I was so happy – I slid it into my pocket and carried it with me for a few days.

As with the missing keys, I just seemed to *know* where it would be and that’s where it was.  I think you were whispering the locations in my ear.

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It’s bloody cold in here tonight – 14 degrees inside the house.  My wonderful bed warmer is gone.  Super-doona has come out of the cupboard and I will sleep under 8 layers again tonight.

I miss you so much and love you even more.

XA

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