105 days….

It’s so hard trying to accept the fact that you Just Aren’t Coming Home.

I keep spiraling back to here.  This point where you aren’t coming home. Ever.

I think of something to show you when you get home and then  it hits me over the head. My brain obviously thinks you’ve just been away for a really long time.

In fact, the only comfort my brain gets is when I think that I *will* see you again.  I have to be dead for that to happen, but it will happen … probably in about 50 years with my luck.  ….and then you’ll be all young and gorgeous and I’ll be all toothless and dribbly.

I noticed your absence so much  today – the front yard is a mess and *you* aren’t here to fix it.
That Bloody clumping bamboo that *you* had to plant is damn ugly and is putting crap all over the yard.  The Bloody poinciana is dropping dead branches on my head and its stinking seeds are everywhere.  The Bauhinia is glaring at me from the corner and the murraya is trying to look pretty when it knows I want to rip it out.  I’m asking Andrew to bring over his chainsaw and kill the lot of them.  Only native plants in this yard from now on! …well natives and things you can eat.

I wonder what we were doing the last Queen’s Birthday weekend?  I certainly never though I’d be sat here writing you letters and crying every day.  I never thought that breathing would be so hard, and my heart would hurt so much. I never thought I’d be a single parent.  I never realised how lucky we were to have each other ….

.. well I did sort of, I guess.  I do recall thinking that our life was so awesome that something bad had to be waiting for us.  And it was.

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Crap – the fluoro light in the kitchen has blown and I broke the plastic clip thingumies when I was getting it out.  Bugger Bugger Bugger.  Normal light bulbs I can do, circular fluoro light bulbs are your domain.  Arghhhh!

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I wish you were here Right Now.  I miss you so much.

XA

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