113 days….

…and again I  find myself completely dumfounded as to how the hell we got here.

I am inappropriately angry that I have friends who say something like “I think we will do x, y or z” and stuff actually works out for them.  For us, it’s always been try with all your might and still come off second best.

I mean I didn’t think I was asking for too much here – All I ever wanted was a nice family life, remaining married to my true love and raising a family together.  Enough money to be off struggle street, yet never wishing for more than we needed.  I mean thousands of people aspire to this dream so it’s not really like I was hoping for the unattainable.

…and so I cry every time I see an elderly married couple who have what we can never have: love that endures into old age.


Memory of the day….

When we holidayed at the beach last year, there was a dear old couple in their 80’s who tottered into the surf for  a paddle.  Alarmingly, the lady was knocked over by a wave and seemed to be having some trouble getting up, her elderly husband unable to provide her with the support she needed to get up again.
You ran off to help, but the life guard got there straight away and had them up and on their way again.
As they tottered back up the beach, clinging to each other, making sure the other person was OK, we looked at each other and sighed.
Each of us hoping that one day we could totter down to the surf and hold each other up as we paddled in the shallows.  To have the joy of  caring so deeply for someone for so much of your life is a precious gift.  I wonder how many elderly married couples realise how blessed they are to have each other….

I miss you more than ever and I fear that I will always feel this intense sense of loss, of anger that the life we wanted was ripped from us.  Anger that we tried with all our might to be good people, to live life with grace and love…

I love you beyond words