121 days…

121 – another play on numbers – I’ve been seeing them all day. Each time I glanced at the treadmill display this morning I was either at 1. 1 km, or my heart rate was 121 bpm.  I looked at the clock at 11:11 just because.  I looked at my watch when I got the mail: 12:34.  I feel like I’m supposed to understand something about them but I have no idea what.

It’s a bit like a dream I had a few weeks back when you handed me a 12-string guitar and asked me to play John Butler Trio’s “Ocean”.  While the music was in my head, I just couldn’t make it come out of the guitar.  If I were to take this dream literally, I’d ask for Dad’s Arnold Hoyer guitar and learn to play … but somehow I think that maybe I’m supposed to tune a different instrument so I can communicate better. I don’t know – dream interpretation is not my strong suit.

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It was raining here today – cold, wet and miserable.  Much like me.

I need to accept that there are so many things I can never do with you again … yet I can’t quite get past the shock that I won’t get to do anything with you again.

I feel you here with me, and yet I can’t see you or touch you or talk to you.  The one person who I can tell everything to has gone…. or at least can’t talk back.

I miss you with every fibre of my being.

I wish you were here.

I love you so much.

XA

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