130 days….

Where did the day go?

Seriously, I’d get so much work done if I didn’t stop to have a cry every so often.

I tried to put away the rest of your clothes today.  It’s so bloody hard to do.  It just feels wrong.  It feels like you’ll need them again when you come home.

Except that you are not coming home.

….and so I cry.  and cry.  The kind of crying that makes breathing hard as my mouth is locked around yet another silent scream.  I can’t cry out loud because that would scare the kids.

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There are definitely days where I’d rather not be here.  I have to be here though – the thought of how the kids would cope without me drives any self-harm thoughts from my head.  Suicide is not my style.  I’m all about the brave face and suffering on through because, as you well know,  I am such a stubborn beast.  I may not get to ask God  why the fuck he did this, until I die of old age at 95  ….  but I’ll bloody well ask Him given half a chance and He better have a damn good answer.  If he mentions anything about learning a lesson, I will punch Him in the face.

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I seem to have been sick or waiting on GC for the entirety of the school holidays. I love school, but could do with another week of sleep-ins.

I want another week of sleep-ins with you.  Another year, decade, 50 years…..

I love you so much

XA

..and I’m posting this at 11 past the hour.  What the hell is with all the 11’s????

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