135 days….

Well – it seems that the narrow-minded teacher from Monday (the one who can ONLY teach and has forgotten how to LEARN)  has more problems than I knew about.  She’d had a go an my favourite  aide/angel about something that she should have not even batted an eyelid for.  Not just me she’s had a go at then, so that’s made me feel a bit better … even though I’m ropable that she did her nana on the fabulous M.

AND Penny was back today.  She has been studying for the first half of the year so hasn’t been at school but she was back today 🙂  So good to see her at morning tea:)  I have missed her laugh.  She is good people.

…especially since I had red groups all day and the kids have come back from holiday without their manners (some parents are NOT good role models).

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I’m OK so far this week.  Crying at bedtime of course … especially when I think about how I’d feel if I were to hear your car come home like on that last night ….. I wouldn’t play possum in bed but I’d rush out and cover you with kisses instead.  Wishing doesn’t change anything though.  That sucks.  In movies, there’s always the last magic wish or something that means the loved one is NOT dead.  There is always a happy ending.  Not like real life.

…but being back at school certainly helps me feel more positive about life.  Probably because I have so much less time to mope.    I like to feel positive.  I like to think that there might be a future that I can live through as opposed to just having to exist through.

I need to start feeling positive now …. school has already scheduled “Father’s Night” to coincide with Father’s Day and  I really don’t feel right in volunteering any of the males in the family … except for my brother … he’d get it.  Sadly P lives 1200 kms away….

Their birthdays are before then too.  They will be hard days for the kids so I have to plan good things.  I bought H’s pressie today – a Lego boat that floats.  K has that crafty thing I bought back in January so she is covered.  Not sure what I’m going to do about you not being there though.  That one is going to hurt them.  After all, K always wanted to makes sure you were at her 80th birthday party.  You already would have had to live to a near record age to make that anyway, but dying before she even turns 8 years old just bites.

This whole thing really bites.

I miss you  heaps.  I love you more.

XA

PS – this is the 100th post on this blog.  Not something I really wanna celebrate.  I wish I never needed to start this blog, but in the circumstances, I’m glad I did.  I think it is definitely helping me cope and I HOPE that I can look back on all the posts in a year, five years, ten years and see that I have grown and look back and think “I’m better now”.  I hope….

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