139 days….

Do you see a pattern emerging?  I am definitely sadder when on weekends and holidays.  Either being around kids all day is good for my mental health OR I’m so busy / tired that I don’t have the energy to mope.

No idea which it is.


Last night, I had a bit of a mental meltdown.
All my life, I’ve believed that God has a plan for me.

I believed that He brought us together.  …and really it was just TOO freaky not to have the hand of a higher power in that fateful meeting.  I asked for help in meeting and recognising  “Mr Right” and you were delivered to me withing days.

“Ask and you shall receive. Seek and you shall find”.

But if I accept that God has a plan for me, then He planned for me to lose you.
The eyewitness even said “it was like the hand of God came down and swept the car in front of the truck”.

Why would he do that to me?  To us?  To our kids?

I can’t believe he does all the good things in my life, but that all the bad things are “man’s free will”.

I can’t have it both ways.

Do I still believe in God – yes, I think so.
Do I want to tell Him to go fuck himself – yep.
Right now, I think He’s a bit of an areshole for taking you away and told Him as much last night.

That’s a pretty big thing for me…. telling God that I think He is an areshole.


I wrote the above a few hours ago.
Since then I was looking through old e-mails from you and in one of the last ones you ever sent me (well forwarded to me anyway) were these words:

Life is too short to wake up with regrets.. So love
the people who treat you right.. Forget about the
ones who don’t. Believe everything happens for a
reason. If you get a second chance, grab it with both
hands. If it changes your life, let it.. Nobody said life
would be easy, they just promised it would be
worth it.

Message received my love.  Message received…

I love you.