150 days…

Wow – I just sat down to write this post and heard a voice on the tv say  “the recently bereaved are at higher risk of dying within the first year … from heart failure”.

I’m not surprised.

This morning, I nearly had a car accident.  A van was speeding down the hill and nearly hit us.  It was a near miss.

I felt nothing.  My heart rate didn’t rise. I just continued on my way thinking that the line between life and death is so fine.  You were such a safe driver and yet you died on the road.  Can you believe that I was so calm – me – the nervous passenger?  The super-safety driver.  I just felt “meh” about the whole thing.

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I had morning tea with the auditor, principal and head of curriculum.  Just a chat.  It seems they are happy with my work.  I think I’m “in” at this school.  I hope so. For the first time in my life I can say that I Totally Love My Job.  I have none of the yucky jobs and all of the joy.

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Why do I keep struggling so much with the fact that you aren’t coming home?  I really just can’t seem to fathom it. One minute, I understand and then I wake up wondering where you are.  Thinking that you’ll be home soon.  Looking for you everywhere.  Not finding you.

I love you so much.  Please don’t leave me.

XA

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