Archive for August, 2010


Dear Darl, it’s August 31

183 days….

Two whole seasons since you’ve been gone.  You’ve missed all of autumn and winter.
Just like in life where you got to live through your spring and summer and died just as  your autumn was sneaking up on you.

But at almost 40, I was  still in the middle of my summer when my dance partner up and left, dammit!

~

At times I think that I see chinks of brightness in life.  Flashes of happiness flit briefly by.  Sometimes I feel like I’m really on top of things at school.  I have a win with a difficult kid.  The principal sings my praises.  My worth is recognised.  Our kids do something wonderful, or just unbearably cute….

Other times, I go back to that first day.  To wondering how badly you were broken that I shouldn’t see you to say goodbye.  To crying that  there was nobody to cradle your head and sing to you until help arrived. To searching the policeman’s face, waiting for him to tell me that he’d made a mistake.  That it was somebody else.  That you were OK.

Back to where the ceaseless internal screaming started.

At times I think I’ve come so far since those first awful days, and at others, I’ve not moved an inch from that black pit of despair.

I miss you so much my body aches.

I love you so much my heart hurts.

XA

Dear Darl, it’s August 30

182 days….

I woke up feeling very poorly this morning and quickly pulled the pin on going in to work today.  Sadly though K and H both decided that they were also ill and convinced me to let them stay home too….. I felt so sick I let them as I couldn’t see me driving them to school.

But.

They seemed to think this was like a day off.  “Oh – you think you can watch tv??? WRONG!  You are either at school or in bed”.  I was so tired that I made them both have a sleep in the daytime so *I* could sleep.
On the upside, I don’t imagine they’ll be chucking a sickie anytime soon.

Thankfully, I remembered to buy cold and flu tablets yesterday, and I just have to say that they ROCK!  Right now, I can breathe, I’m not coughing up disgusting things and my back is only mildly aching …. this morning I was a snot factory with aching bones (who knew that collar bones can ache so much??)

Right – I know how you are transfixed by my tales of woe, so I’ll change the subject….

I did manage one big job today – I contacted the car club who will be happy to help me get special interest vehicle rego on your car.  Yeehar!  This will cut the rego to a third of the normal cost.

I am off to bed (but not before taking some more of those lovely anti-snot drugs) and have my fingers crossed that I will be at school tomorrow (where I’m told I was missed today).

Love you Buddy Roo.

XA

Dear Darl, it’s August 29

181 days….

H’s bestie’s birthday party at the beach this morning.  It was so nice seeing how he and his friend look out for each other – they really are best buddies and I am so thankful that H has such a great best friend.

K also liked being there with S and E … and E’s little sister M.

It does my heart good to see them happy with their friends.

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It seems I either have a bad cold or … the flu (and you know I don’t use that word lightly).  A hybrid mix of stuffed-up nose, ears and lungs and achy everything.  It would have been one of the few days that I palmed all parental duties onto you had you been here.  I think that only ever happened a couple of times ever.

I fear I will not be going to school tomorrow…..  but as  I need to be well enough to go to the Prep’s Father’s night on Wednesday and as the parent helper on the year 2 excursion on Friday, I really think I need to spend a day in bed and just try to get myself well.

Honestly, I’ve been coughing and spluttering since the last school holidays 8 weeks ago and I’ve just had cold after cold.  This is a record even for me.  I never understood why I was would always catch whatever was going around and yet you rarely did.

Moan…. what I’d give for you to walk in with a hot toddy right now!

I love you Buddy Roo.

XA

Dear Darl, it’s August 28

180 days….

I am spending far too much time online lately, but last night I realised why …. I am searching for evidence of you.

Maybe I think that you are on here somewhere, or maybe I think someone on here knows where you are.
I can’t find you in your usual haunts so I have been searching for you on the interwebs.

sad little existence I lead huh?

But I have found someone online.
I found other widows online.
I found people who nod and shed a tear and say “I know just what you mean”.
I found the people who comment here.
I found friends.

So in a mixed-up sort of way, I’ve been looking for you, found people who are walking this road with me … which ultimately means that you WERE here somewhere …  linking me up with people who nod and know how bad widowhood really is.  People who know things I can’t tell my friends and family.  People who know things I only tell you.  They  make me feel less alone.  Because you know how alone I feel you let me find them or let them find me.

Thanks for that.

I love you, you know.

I miss you like crazy.

I wish you were here.

XA

Dear Darl, it’s August 27

179 days….

Another Friday … but a half-way decent one.

I did our tax this morning.  I get a bit of a refund but yours is whopping.  It should cover the cost of the fence (whenever we manage to get it).  Tax dude was being his typical self – very concerned about me but showing it in strange ways and freaking out about the farm.  I consoled him by telling him that I wasn’t going to ask him to do the tax implications on the farm.

I also tried to talk to an auto-electrician about the lights on the car …stupidly, I called in to the workshop as I didn’t know the business name but was told the location of a auto-leccy who does reasonable work. …. If it weren’t that all small car repair places in this neighbourhood weren’t run by nasty slimeballs, I’d have walked straight back out of his repair yard.  “Rude bastard” only begins to cover it. It looks like this is my only choice unless I got to a lot more trouble.  On the up side, I’m told his actual work isn’t too bad and his fees are reasonable.

Bloody car.

Mind you, the day picked up.  Mum and Dad had no power at their place for the day so they spent most of the day here.  Mum and I found actual flooring in H’s room and got rid of a lot of “precious” stuff (he is such a hoarder – wonder where he gets that from??!?)  His room looks half-way decent for a change.

…and then I picked the kids up from school and we went to their old kindy where the beautiful teachers had commissioned a piece of play equipment in your honour….  “Ned Kelly” now stands guard in the playground and proudly wears a plaque that reads:

Greg __
A Dad who made a difference.
Devoted Father to K & H
2010

sob.
So beautiful.

You really did make a difference to so many people.

You are beautiful and I will always love you.

XA

Dear Darl, it’s August 26

178 days….

Today was … OK.

Of course there was plenty of crying still and I fell asleep sobbing into my pillow again last night with the compete shitenhausen of it all.

But today, on the whole  was …. OK.

I think it’s because I get to be at work and work is good for me.  Teachers just operate on a more caring level than the rest of the populace (or perhaps that’s just at our school).  We *care* about the kids and we care about each other.

Mrs D aka Mishi can see through my brave face every time and calls me on it, H’s teacher really is on the same wavelength as me (despite our early adjustment phase).

Just an awesome place to be.

AND they are currently running a program for kids who are experiencing loss and grief.  About half of H’s class is going at the moment as there have been about 5 kids whose families are going through  separations at the moment.  I really hope it helps give them another outlet….

H really surprised us at the psych’s on Tuesday…. he gave every impression of doodling on the white board and not paying attention when he suddenly stopped and said, this is me, this is a wall and the bad feelings are on the other side of the wall…. and here’s an alien ship sucking them up.

I love him.

and K.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Terry fixed part of the car today and told me who to take it to to repair the light.  I will try to sort that tomorrow.

…and I mentioned being on the lookout for a new car.  You are going to have to have some input here you know …. I can’t buy a car to save myself.  Do I stay with what I know or do I go for something else.  …and that’ll be one knock for stay and twi knocks for different .. ok?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Blah.  I have yet another sore throat.  Somebody said that widows get sick a lot.  Given that my dodgy lungs do like to catch whatever’s going as a general rule I should be surprised that this will only be the 5th cold I’ve had this year….

Me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I need you buddy.

I love you.

XA

177 days….

It was bookweek parade at school today.  The kids all dressed up as their favourite book characters (well… they dressed up anyway).  I wore Mum’s authentic Mexican poncho and a sombrero and went as Frida (thanks for the book tip Liz).  K went as her patented Pippi Longstocking (hair plaited with pipe-cleaners to make it stand out from her head … and H went as Captain Flinn from the book about the pirate dinosaurs.  Gorgeous!

I was the official event photographer (yeeeeer – well they haven’t seen my pics yet –   some of them are winners and I did get photos of all 600 kids in one form or another … I think).
Still, you wouldn’t believe the number of parents who came and Stood In Front Of  Me to take photos of their precious possums.  Nor would you believe the number of kids who purposely jumped into shots of other kids …. I think I have 7 pics with one particular kid’s head in them at the front.  …and then there were the whiners who went to the trouble of wearing a mask given to them by the teacher and asking why I didn’t pick them for special poses…. “ummmm there are 600 kids here lovey – you all are in at least 1 photo … perhaps a group shot … but you are on film … now let me take a photo of the fabulous coordination of these Tweedle Dum and Tweedle Dee twins along with the Queen of Hearts, Mad Hatter and Alice”.

Most of the kids were beautiful though.  …and some parents are truly gifted in the costume design department.

It was fun doing literacy groups in full garb today.  Thankfully it was a Very Cold Day and I enjoyed wearing Mum’s really thick poncho (I suspect it’s lama or alpaca wool – so beautiful).

The other exciting thing that happened today was that I picked up my new glasses. …. titanium frames this time and they are heavenly to wear – so light.  I must remember to always get titanium frames from now on…

….and boy do I need these little pick-me-ups at the moment….

….the car is making funny noises, one headlight is very dim, and a kitchen cupboard door fell off its hinges today.

Buddy – I am barely coping with the fact that my life is fucked up … don’t make me cope with other things making life just that little bit harder.  Trust me when I say that it is plenty hard enough and tell that bastard of a universe  / God / great spaghetti monster that I am On. The. Edge. so don’t send me any more shit.

Seriously, I am up to my eyeballs in it.

I miss you so much.

I love you forever.

XA

Dear Darl, it’s August 24

176 days…

Maybe I’ve come a little way into acceptance, maybe I’m stuck back in those horrific first few days since you died:  I seem to swing wildly between the two in the space of a day.

I just wish that *something* would happen – like the fence or the verandah or the 3rd party claim or *something* more that lets me tick off another box in this shit that is dealing with the fallout….

I must have moved on somehow though – I was cracking very bad taste jokes about the lady who runs the local cemetery / crematorium … and I made people laugh.
(Seriously though – that lady is Very Strange … apparently I should be impressed that some semi-famous bloke was buried there a few weeks before you? !?!  I don’t get it… does she think you blokes will have beers after dark?  Talk engines til the wee-small hours as you sit upon your graves?!?)
Gah …. See what I mean – bad taste humour that very possibly freaked other people out … and yet I know you would have been laughing along with me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The kids went to the psych’s again today.  I can see that they have come a long way in the past 6 months which is kind of nice.  We aren’t quite so fragile as we were.  Somehow though,  I think that we’ll be needing to check in with her every few months for the next 20 years….

Geez I worry about the next 20 years… 30, 40 50 years…

“Try not to look too far ahead” they tell me.

Well bugger that.  I need a plan.  I’ve always needed a plan (and a map as you well know) and I feel rudderless without one.  Problem is, every plan I make is wrong and horrible and lonely  and *empty*.  I can’t picture moving on from here.

So my plans are only about a week long at the moment as I plod through days … I feel blinkered and uncertain.  and I don’t like it.

I miss you.

I need you.

I love you.

XA

Dear Darl, it’s August 23

175 days….

Today was a very mixed up day where the  sheer bloody scale of losing you hit home in interesting ways…..

While the power was on when I woke up this morning, it went off as soon as I stepped out of the shower.  I checked the meter box – the problems wasn’t here so I rang Energex.  Just our street was out with a transformer out.  Expected to repaired by 9am.  Bugger.  I needed to leave by ~8am.

Problem: no electricity = no coffee.  Much as I don’t want gas here, it certainly does come in handy when the power goes out.  I failed at bbq 101 so  I couldn’t boil water.

Worse still I had no idea how to open the roller doors without power … so the car was stuck inside the garage.

Cue me raging that I never learned to do these things because they were “your department”.

So I try to figure out how to open the garage door whilst simultaneously thinking that I’d have to ring work and explain that I’d be late ….when the power came back on.

So all good, but it just threw me.

Little things can throw me ….  I can’t remember stuff like I used to.  It is really very disturbing to me.  Me – the person who only used a date planner as a backup plan because I just seemed to *know* when and where I should be somewhere.
Every single thing that I don’t get 100% right makes me feel like a failure …when I know this is ridiculous.
Getting broken sleep really doesn’t help things along either.

Oh – and to top things off, K was miserable last night.  She’d spent the day with friends (who have a Mum AND a Dad) and I think that coming home to just Mum and no Dad really hit her hard.  Poor love.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I’m so tired from continually trying to process this shit.  I’m swearing far too much and I get angry too often.

I just can’t bring you back no matter how I try.

I hate that I can’t fix this.

I miss you.

I love you.

XA

Dear Darl, it’s August 22

174 days….

Quite freaky waking up this morning to the Kate Miller-Heidke song “The Last Day On Earth”.  That song is so beautiful and meaningful (T made her own cover it the song and recorded it and we played it at your funeral over photos of our life together … did you realise that was T singing or did you just think it was actually KMH like everyone else??).

But it meant that I started the day feeling pretty fragile.

So what did I do?

Clean.

We have sparkling bathrooms and you could eat off the floors.

I threw away old shoes and reorganised the bathroom cabinet.

I dusted the bookshelves and scrubbed the gunk out of plug-holes with an old toothbrush.

I am a stress cleaner.

…. but I remember you once saying that you wished I got really stressed more often.  Funny Bugger.

Anyhooooo…. J / BFF rang this morning and all but demanded that I palm K&H off onto her for the day…. and I actually did.

It was wonderful and what’s even better, THEY had a great day playing with S,K&A.

I can’t leave the kids with just anyone.  I’m at ease it Mum, Pete, Leanne  or J has them, but anxious if GC or T has them (’cause I hear about how naughty they are).

Ironically, J has said they were a delight ALL DAY and I know she wasn’t shitting me.  The kids all played together beautifully ALL DAY.  no fights. no tantrums. no problems. just fun.  They really only seem to have a problem with that one set of cousins … who are really good kids themselves, it’s just that their parents don’t quite get that they aren’t perfect all the time ( no kids are) and sometimes, it really IS their fault.

So I took myself out to do the fantastic task of grocery shopping (but treated myself to a coffee first).

Among other things, I am set for bookweek dress-ups next week.  I haz Mexican Poncho and I haz sombrero .  Now I just need to locate a children’s story featuring Mexicans.  I’m sure I can do it.  I can think of “Alice Nizzy Nazzy” but I’m sure there’s a better one I could pick.

K wants to go as Tashi, but I’ve convinced her that her patented Pippi Longstocking would be easier and more fun.  H is meant to go as someone from another culture COMBINED with a book character.  He wants to go as a pirate (from Captain Flinn and the Pirate Dinosaurs).  I guess “Pirate” is a culture……

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I really feel that you are around me … especially with all the bloody 11s (I love them).

I know you are there.

Please be there.

Dear God,but I hope you are there….

I love you.

XA