166 days…

I took the kids to a birthday party this morning.  All kids and balloons and happy families.  I was OK while I was there (relegated to my normal role of watching kids, although Deb’s husband kept me company and he is a nice bloke).

When we got home I just felt empty.  Not necessarily sad, just empty.  The feeling of coming home to nothingness.

I got sad later in the day.

How the hell do I keep it together tomorrow for K’s birthday???  She is OK, but I’m falling apart.  This is not the way to celebrate the 8th birthday of your eldest child.

I’ve been half prepared to lose MY Dad for the past few years.  He’s been unwell.  He’s old (in his 70s).  He’s had some near misses.  I can just about cope with that thought and I’m 40.  I’ve had 4 decades of having a Dad.  K didn’t get even one decade and H only got *half* a decade of having a Dad.

In only a few years they will hit the mark when they will have been without you longer than they’ve been with you.  they are too young for this.  I am too young for this.

How the hell did this happen to us????

I love you so much.