169 days….

H fell asleep whilst sitting in a chair this afternoon.  K was doing her homework and he was supposed to be tidying his room, but I looked up and he was asleep at 5pm.

It’s been a looong time since he’s had a nap in the afternoon, so this was unusual.

I woke him up for a bath while I got dinner,  and as he was dressing himself, I just heard this pitiful cry …. “I miss Daddy”.


I immediately turned the stove off and went to him and he just sobbed in my arms.  I cursed the fact that you weren’t here yet again and sobbed right along with him.

In the end I managed to get him talking about you and looking through the memory album I made a few months back which tells the story of your life in pictures.

He calmed down, but it really hit me that I’ve been focussed on K and her birthday, thinking that H was so transparent in his grief, when in reality, he’s been holding it together and it just burst out.

Geez this shit is hard…. and so ironic…. the very time I need you like no other because you are not here, and… well, you are not here.

I love you, and so does your beautiful boy…