172 days…..

He had an OK 6th birthday.  He missed you of course.  Both kids did.  I guess that is to be expected.

I didn’t expect to be caught so unguarded when I’ve been mentally psyching myself up for birthday week for ages and still I found myself sobbing at bizarre moments and holding on to the walls to make  sure they  weren’t really  shimmering and swirling and vibrating.  This is all so wrong.

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I’d taken little cakes up to school so H could celebrate with his classmates.  Grumpy Old Bag teacher was on today, but I assured her that I’d return at 2:30pm  for cakage and singing.  Thank God I did.

I really do try to like this teacher – she was a young widow once and wrote a very thoughtful letter after you died – but she just doesn’t get little kids.  ….Like … I had about 8 of the preps voluntarily cleaning up pens, paper, chairs etc by simply playing dumb and saying “Gee X, can you show me where this goes”, or “Hey Y, you sure are great at putting the lids back on those felt pens”……. when she calls them all to the other end of the room to sit on the mat in a Very Stern Voice, then almost shouted at them to start cleaning up their stuff.  Well *hello* ??? They already were and you stopped them from doing a great job so that you could yell at them.  Great work there love.

Meh.  I have to remember that the kids only have to endure her for one day each week.

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Quite morbid thoughts have crossed my mind today…. Like how, six years ago, both K and H had four healthy, happy grandparents and two healthy and happy parents who loved them.  Now today, they are down to half their parent and grandparent quota.  One entire side of their family has died – first your Dad suffered through colon cancer, then your Mum with breast cancer and an aneurysm, then the horror of your car accident.

I began wondering how many years until they have to go to the funeral of another close family member….

I wondered why my 93-year-old grandmother is still here and you aren’t…. I mean she’s been *ready* to go for a while now … and who could blame her?  Why you and not her?  (That may sound morbid but she’s asked God the same question).

There are no answers.

It just is.

and it sucks.

I wish you were here to give me a big hug right now.

I love you so much and can’t stand it that you aren’t here now.

XA

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