175 days….

Today was a very mixed up day where the  sheer bloody scale of losing you hit home in interesting ways…..

While the power was on when I woke up this morning, it went off as soon as I stepped out of the shower.  I checked the meter box – the problems wasn’t here so I rang Energex.  Just our street was out with a transformer out.  Expected to repaired by 9am.  Bugger.  I needed to leave by ~8am.

Problem: no electricity = no coffee.  Much as I don’t want gas here, it certainly does come in handy when the power goes out.  I failed at bbq 101 so  I couldn’t boil water.

Worse still I had no idea how to open the roller doors without power … so the car was stuck inside the garage.

Cue me raging that I never learned to do these things because they were “your department”.

So I try to figure out how to open the garage door whilst simultaneously thinking that I’d have to ring work and explain that I’d be late ….when the power came back on.

So all good, but it just threw me.

Little things can throw me ….  I can’t remember stuff like I used to.  It is really very disturbing to me.  Me – the person who only used a date planner as a backup plan because I just seemed to *know* when and where I should be somewhere.
Every single thing that I don’t get 100% right makes me feel like a failure …when I know this is ridiculous.
Getting broken sleep really doesn’t help things along either.

Oh – and to top things off, K was miserable last night.  She’d spent the day with friends (who have a Mum AND a Dad) and I think that coming home to just Mum and no Dad really hit her hard.  Poor love.

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I’m so tired from continually trying to process this shit.  I’m swearing far too much and I get angry too often.

I just can’t bring you back no matter how I try.

I hate that I can’t fix this.

I miss you.

I love you.

XA

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