176 days…

Maybe I’ve come a little way into acceptance, maybe I’m stuck back in those horrific first few days since you died:  I seem to swing wildly between the two in the space of a day.

I just wish that *something* would happen – like the fence or the verandah or the 3rd party claim or *something* more that lets me tick off another box in this shit that is dealing with the fallout….

I must have moved on somehow though – I was cracking very bad taste jokes about the lady who runs the local cemetery / crematorium … and I made people laugh.
(Seriously though – that lady is Very Strange … apparently I should be impressed that some semi-famous bloke was buried there a few weeks before you? !?!  I don’t get it… does she think you blokes will have beers after dark?  Talk engines til the wee-small hours as you sit upon your graves?!?)
Gah …. See what I mean – bad taste humour that very possibly freaked other people out … and yet I know you would have been laughing along with me.

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The kids went to the psych’s again today.  I can see that they have come a long way in the past 6 months which is kind of nice.  We aren’t quite so fragile as we were.  Somehow though,  I think that we’ll be needing to check in with her every few months for the next 20 years….

Geez I worry about the next 20 years… 30, 40 50 years…

“Try not to look too far ahead” they tell me.

Well bugger that.  I need a plan.  I’ve always needed a plan (and a map as you well know) and I feel rudderless without one.  Problem is, every plan I make is wrong and horrible and lonely  and *empty*.  I can’t picture moving on from here.

So my plans are only about a week long at the moment as I plod through days … I feel blinkered and uncertain.  and I don’t like it.

I miss you.

I need you.

I love you.

XA

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