Archive for September, 2010


Dear Darl, it’s September 30…

213 days…

I am slowly making headway into the disorganisation that has settled on this house.

Another day sorting the office should *sort* it.

I used some of the VIP vouchers R gave me after you died and the lawn actually got mowed and the damn sugar cane is *gone* buddy.

I asked Mr VIP to rip it out.

Yes I did.

One of the very few plusses in this game is that I get to have things how *I* like them.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I finished “The Time Traveller’s Wife” this morning.  I had to stop reading it twice during the past couple of evenings because it was just getting sadder and I didn’t want that to compound bedtime, which is already rather traumatic.

I was OK until I read Henry’s letter to Claire:

“When I am dead. Stop waiting and be free.  Of me – put me deep inside you and then go out in the world and live. Love the world and yourself in it, move through it as though it offers no resistance, as though the world is your natural element.”

I cried.

I think I was meant to read these words …. but I’m not ready to put you “deep inside” just yet.

You pervade every ounce of me and always will.

I miss you.

I love you.

XA

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Dear Darl, it’s September 29

212 days..

We spent the day at home today.

Screening calls. Hiding from the world.

I know people are just checking in on us, but you know what an introvert I am (even though people often mistake me for an extrovert).

I *need* my own head space and these school holidays are giving that to me.

I just can’t catch up with different people every day.  I want to see them, but I need to get my life organised.  I need to sort through mountains of stuff that have just been left until the holidays.

After all, I still have loads of your hoarded crap to get rid of….

It seems everyone else’s kids complain about “boredom” during the school holidays: K & H know better than to say they are bored.  I will give them a job to do.

They make their own fun and I think this is a valuable skill to have.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The tears hit me again tonight.

I have kind of blocked-out the fact that you aren’t here for the past week.

But I saw someone’s holiday snaps on Facebook and remembered that we always planned to go overseas once the kids were older.

Then I heard a beautiful love song on a Spicks and Specks rerun and I felt like it was from you.

I’m still floored when I remember just how much we loved each other.  Sometimes I think I can still feel your love.

I love you to the moon and back.

XA

PS – a fun fact:  when I cry sitting up, tears run into my mouth.  when I cry lying down, they run into my ears.  Is this a design feature for widows do you think?

Dear Darl, it’s September 28

211 days….

Our kids are beautiful.

Sometimes annoyingly painful when they *still* draw on walls and furniture at the age of 8 (I know!!).

But they are beautiful.

K was so concerned that I might be sad about our wedding anniversary, she made me a card and a beaded crystal dangly thing.

Child. Is. Empathic.

…and that’s the professional opinion of our psychologist that we all saw again today.

The kids had the last of their medicare-funded visits with her and it struck me how far we’ve all come in the past (almost) 7 months.  I think the psych visits have helped us all.  Only a few things really stick but the things that do seem to really work.

Still, I told her that I’m worried about our ongoing mental health.  I mean, we’re only just over half-way through this first year of hell and I’m told to expect the kids to go through magnified ups and downs for the rest of their lives.  Apparently, the teenage years have a reputation of being Absolutely Bloody Awful for both kids and spouses of the parent that died.

I’ll need her help.

…and we’ve worked out a plan to review where we are at periodically so we can adjust / try new things as different developmental stages are reached.

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In other news, I think I neglected to mention that I had a professional massage yesterday.

Yes, I did.

…and no, I didn’t “waste” any money on it – it was a birthday gift from Cath that had actually expired by a day, but the lovely lady at the salon understood that I *needed* to do something nice for myself yesterday and extended the voucher.

It was rather pleasant … well after I got over being self-conscious of the fact that someone else was manipulating my cellulite-laden thighs, it was pleasant.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

First thunder-storm of the season today.  A bit of a fizzer here (thankfully – it hit at the same time we were supposed to be going to the psych’s but she was running a half-hour late).  The forecasters predicted large hail stones and flash flooding (which I believe some parts of the city did get).

You loved thunder storms.  You’d sit on the verandah with the kids and just watch the light show go rolling by.

I miss watching thunder storms with you.

I love you.

XA

210 days….

Thirteen years ago, I woke up excited.

Mum, L and I quickly showered, breakfasted and rushed off for hair and makeup.

I’m sure you and D slumbered on.  Or tied ribbons to the cars.  Or cooked a big brekky.

My day seems such a blur now.

Friends dropping in on their way to the church.

People trying to make me eat something.

Getting dressed without disturbing hair or makeup.

Posing for eleventy-seven photos.

Laughing.

Being driven (by GC)  to the church in a friend’s car – one that matched the colour of yours which was being used as the attendant’s car.

Hearing the opening bars of Pachelbel’s Canon in D.

Then hearing JM’s camera start rewinding as she took the last frame on her roll of film (ohhh so long ago when we had cameras that took film!)

Purposely not wearing my glasses and not looking at you as Dad led me down the aisle,  lest I see your face and start to cry.

But I love that someone took a photo of your face when you saw me walk into the church and the tears started to stream down your face.

I remember promising to love you until “death parts us”.  I remember that our church doesn’t include the bit about “obey”ing much to your amusement.

Slipping rings onto each other’s fingers.

I remember walking back out of the church on your arm and knowing that I was the happiest, most loved woman in the world.

More photos, then off to the reception at the old manor house.

Speeches, the shoe game, cake, presents and dancing.

Then we were off for a night at a local motel.

Oh but we were so happy.

I miss being happy.

I miss you being here, making me happy.

I love you so much.

Happy Anniversary Darl,

XA

Dear Darl, it’s September 26.

209 days….

It was nice to sleep in our bed again last night.

It was nice to cuddle your pillow and smell your smell.

This you-being-dead shit is getting a bit too real though…

I wrote an e-mail to J today.  I really wanted to say that I didn’t think I could face a weekend away with the families from school.

I couldn’t say that though … I said this:

Didn’t realise how hard it was going to be going on holiday.  We had fun, but it was really hard as it all just seemed wrong to me.  That and I gave myself heart palpitations because I hate driving on the highway so much (seriously, some people are only alive because other people are good at braking and swerving at 100k).

I think I must truly be a home-body at heart, even though my home currently looks like a herd of swamp pigs have taken up residence and generated a metric ton of laundry that needs washing lest whatever shit is ingrained into it starts multiplying, mating with the mould in the grout on the laundry floor and then form some mutant race of dirty laundry parasites which attack all the clean laundry in the vicinity and THEN I’d have more washing.

Off to return overdue library books before the police catch me.  Seriously, you can get jailed for that.  I still remember an inmate at the old boggo road jail yelling/telling me that he was only in for overdue library books as I walked past on the way to uni.  I’m only a few days overdue so they maaay let me off with a warning this time.  Probably because the jail for people with overdue library books has been pulled down and the other jail is so full of tax evaders that they won’t fit me in.  I live in hope.

…and then we need food so will have to get groceries. Blerghhh.

Love you BFF

So I *still* couldn’t tell her. The effort and *fear* of the highway for one night away with a bunch of  happy families is more than I can take.

I’ll have to go and see her and tell her though.

and soon.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We are off next door soon: A&T have invited us over for dinner.  It will be nice.  They miss you too.

I miss you every minute of every day, magnified by 10 at the moment as I don’t have the rush of school to distract me.

I love you so much.

XA

208 days…

I was so nervous about driving on the highway that we were packed and ready to go by about 7:30am.

As it turned out, the rain held off and I had an easy drive home.  Only a few idiots insisted on cutting and weaving in front of me, but that was OK.

I wonder if they realise how fine the line is between them living (seemingly due to the skillful driving and good grace of others) and dying.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

While I was on holiday, I started reading “The Time Traveller’s Wife” by Audrey Niffenegger.

OMG.  Why did nobody warn me about this book.

It’s too beautiful to put down yet it tears me to shreds.

The description of his mother’s death is what I fear happened to you.

I’ve had nightmares before which were almost replicated in the book.

I’m reading it slowly.

Taking it in.

Crying my eyes out, but needing to read it.

I miss you so much.

I love you.

XA

207 days…

We went fishing again this morning – the kids each had the joy of reeling in small fish … all so small that they had to be returned to the sea.

Although, in case there was any confusion, there were plenty of passers-by to tell us that they were too small.

When one busybody commented on the very obviously undersized whiting (like about 15 cm undersized), Dad just cracked me up by saying “Hold on love, I’ll get out the ruler”.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mum, the kids and I went walking on the beach again this afternoon.

…and I took my camera this time.

I always enjoyed exploring the tidal sand banks when I was a kid.  Lots of animals to be found.  Lots of adventures to be had.

The kids really enjoyed chasing soldier crabs and finding hermit crabs.

I found a baby sand crab and showed the kids …. it was so cute as it tried to attack me.

We watched a bloke reel in a stingray … all a bit exciting.  (Don’t worry – I’m sure the busy-body was on hand to warn him of the tail spine.)

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I am really missing having you here.

Even though we aren’t staying in the same place or even going to the same beach, it is always in my mind that it was less than a year ago that we were oblivious to the pain ahead.  We were happily enjoying our holiday.  Taking each other for granted.

I’d do anything to have you back.

I miss you.

I love you.

XA

Dear Darl, it’s September 23

206 days….

Rinse and repeat.

Today followed almost the same schedule as yesterday.

The only difference was that I was forced to the shop for more bread and milk and came back with that plus a new Tashi book for K and a $9.88 blood pressure monitor.

As you do.

It was on an enormous discount (from $50) and after my little fainting spell of a few weeks ago, I decided that it may not be a bad thing to have around.

It turns out my holiday BP is just fine and dandy … who knew?

I guess I’m thinking that I need to take more care of me because I’m all the kids have.

H worried about me dying in a car crash the other day and it really would be dismal for them if both of us weren’t here.

~~~~~~~

We went for another walk along the beach in the afternoon.  We caught soldier crabs and found the most hideous bristle worm stranded on the sand.

Of course I had Noddy-Know-it-All come up and tell me it must be a “sea centipede”  and “walk on its bristles”.    Um yeah – I’m a woman and therefore stupid thus requiring a middle-aged man to tell me everything ….. gah!

(I still remember learning about polychaetes in undergrad so my synapses mustn’t be all fried.)

I touched it with my shoe to make it go into a defensive roll and the bloke nearly had kittens.

Maybe I should have asked HIM to pick it up … but I’m not that mean.

You would have really loved seeing it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I took a pile of photos of the passage between here and the mainland.  The little internet connection I have here isn’t very good so I may just upload some pics when I get home.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I miss you.

I love you.

XA

Dear Darl, it’s September 22

205 days…

Well, I did catch a fish this morning.  A little whiting that  needed to go back to her mother.

Still, it was fun and the kids enjoyed letting it gently go.

I enjoyed fishing at the beach, right up to the time that another family started casting almost over my head into the same spot.  So I just got a little wild with some of my casts and they moved off a bit.

I guess they didn’t want to lose an eye….

~~~~~~~~~

We took a lovely walk this afternoon along the beach.  It’s not as nice as the surf beach, but it’s OK.

We bought dinner from the fish and chips shop, but it was hands down the WORST F&C we’ve ever had.

Holidays aren’t the same without you in them.

I miss you.

I love you.

XA

Dear Darl, it’s September 21

204 days…

(I so wanted to say “Stardate 204” just then like I was channeling Captain Kirk or something… and I’m not exactly a trekkie.  Let’s face it, Doctor Who walks all over Star Trek!).

Well today, the sun came out in the afternoon – thank you!

We watched a movie with the kids during the rain of the morning and then we gathered the kids and the fishing rods and went across the road to the beach.

Well, you’d have been pleased to know that NONE of us caught anything.  Not even Mum who can catch huge fish with nothing more than a smear of bait and a little hook.

But is was beautiful.

Chilly but beautiful.

The kids really enjoyed casting the fishing line out and practicing.

I really enjoyed the opportunity to Just Think.

..and lose bait.

But since we only used a bit of chicken breast from dinner, that’s no biggie.

I remembered how you’d always try to fish with us even though it was very foreign to you.  …and you never had the joy of actually catching an eating fish from the sea.

I shall try to catch one for you tomorrow.

We’ll cook it and eat it and think of you.

We miss you.

We love you.

Stay with us.

XA