198 days….

A very sad day today.

I went to C’s funeral.

I waved in your general direction on the way in to the chapel at the crematorium.

Except I felt you near me.  I’m sure of it.

A group of us went from school.  (It seemed the ultimate irony that I am relieving this week, only to have to have covers arranged for me to attend two funerals.  ….but they are arranged without question).

I saw K on the way in and hugged her.  She said “damn – I was hoping to see you last because now I’m crying”.  She hugged me back and I whispered that I knew she could get through the service.

C was an atheist, so the service was more along the lines of different people sharing their memories of C.  I barely knew C, but I found out so much about him today – quite a character.  Quite a sarcastic character who had a wicked sense of humour and heart as big as his 2 m tall self.

I only really met C and K after you died.  K said to me early on that she felt that I was the only person she could talk to as I “got” it.

I think what widow’s get is that we look past the pain of the person who is dying and see the pain of the person who has to keep living.

We don’t judge when they tell us things about being angry with their dying spouse for only letting them get 30 minutes of sleep the night before.

We understand when they confront the fear of losing their soul mate and it scared them so badly that they want to scream.

We “get” the pain of other widows.


I feel quite wrung out, but wouldn’t have missed it for the world.  I know K needed to see me, just like I needed to see R at your funeral.


I miss you.  I’m not good at being single.

I love you.