Archive for October, 2010


Dear Darl, it’s October 31

244 days….

The morning started with excitement …. K found a scrub turkey making a nest in the sugar cane mulch.  I snapped off a few very bad shots of it before it high-tailed it out of the yard.

I think it may have been eyeing off the harem of hens as well.  Luckily for them, they were safely locked in their cage while their paramour came calling.  I don’t think the fact that they are different species would deter this suitor.

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I lost my shit at the kids again today.  They just don’t seem to understand that at some point in time on the weekend, they will have to do their chores.  K worked it out though and has been just doing the simple jobs I find for her.  It makes such a difference when they help me.

We washed some windows and our bedroom curtains.  I am seriously considering redecorating out bedroom in the holidays.  I’ve never done this before, but I feel like it needs a fresh start.

Maybe then I won’t feel so lonely in there.

I miss you so very much.  It’s an ache that is always there.

I love you.

XA

 

 

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Dear Darl, it’s October 30

243 days….

Today was spent tending to the normal jobs around the house – jobs you normally help to do.

I hate that it’s always my turn to do the dishes.  K is keen to help, but stacking the dishwasher is beyond her at present.  Both kids are getting quite good at vacuuming though.

Oh and the neighbour att he back cleared the drain.  Properly.  he even mentioned getting a plumber out to see if the drain can be improved.  …he spent half the afternoon clearing the drain and he asked to use our bin and yard to get rid of the debris (which is fine because it would be very difficult for him to get it all back up into his own yard).

The siphon is still running btw … nearly three weeks later and it’s still going strong.  There’s a LOT of ground water to get rid of.

We are all really tired.  I find myself begging off social things on weekends because I am so tired …and also because the weekend is the only time I get to clean / organise/ rearrange / do stuff around the house … and as a confirmed home-body, I like being here and pottering around.

I am counting down the weeks until holidays.  Actually, I’m counting down the weeks until I’m back with “my boys”.  They are a tough crowd, but I think I prefer them … they aren’t whiny or needy.  …and they KNOW when I mean business because their normal teacher has trained them that way.

Last time I had them, I had a student suspended for a day (not my intention – I only wanted the deputy to put the wind up him, but apparently he’d had previous warnings and this was the last straw.  The brilliant thing was that when he came back to school, some of the kids were al “I wish I had suspension, I want a day off” but this kid was all “no – you don’t.  It’s no fun being suspended”.  He was golden for the rest of my time there.

Did I tell you that all my literacy intervention has paid off?  The classes I worked with this year showed a huge statistical jump on test scores recently.  …and the classes I didn’t work with didn’t show the improvement.  Maybe coincidence, but it still looks good for me!!

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For some reason this part of the post didn’t save or publish last night…..

You would have been laughing today. … or at least the tight-arse part of you…

Cousin S and A are getting married in February …. smack bang in the middle of “hell week” between your birthday and death day.  So I wanted to buy a nice dress for the wedding to make myself feel remotely sexy.

I tried one on which was OK, pretty, girl next door etc … but definitely NOT sexy.

I went home, resigned to the fact that having the kids has altered my body shape too much to ever wear a dress again (too much in the upper frontal quadrant, not enough in the lower rear quadrant IYKWIM).

But I found a dress I bought BEFORE I was pregnant with K which is perfect.  It’s the perfect colour, the perfect size, the perfect style and it’s also *sexy*…. in as much as I do sexy which isn’t saying that much really.

If nothing else, I’ll *look* good at the wedding and looking good may also help me feel good.  I really am so happy for them, that I Do Not Want to be a misery-guts on their special day.

I will miss you being there to tell me I look good.

I miss you every moment of every day.

I love you beyond breath.

XA

242 days …..

Wine o’clock couldn’t come fast enough this afternoon.

It was World Teacher’s Day (so thankfully there was morning tea).

AND it was ‘Day for Daniel” so we all wore red in support and spoke to the kids about safety.

…and I am literally so tired, I just fell asleep in my chair.

This constant tiredness is tiring….. but should mean that I sleep for a while and hopefully won’t wake until the birds start calling at 4:30am.

You could sleep for Australia – World champion material, you could sleep anywhere anyway.  I’ve always envied that talent …. and cursed the fact that I rarely fell asleep before you…

I miss you

I love you

XA

Dear Darl, it’s October 28

241 days….

So so tired today.

…again I pulled up in the garage after work and thought “there’s his car, sitting there, gathering dust … he is never coming home”.

It’s a sinking feeling every damn day.

I wake up every morning and you aren’t there and that sinking feeling comes back.

and I cry.

I miss you.

I love you.

XA

240 days….

Today was a day of total awesome.

All that running around I did for that kid yesterday guilted the Dad into letting him go on the excursion today.
He’s in Year 3: first excursion. Ever.  He was über excited yet well-behaved all day.

I was so worried something would go wrong as the head of curriculum came along with us (her daughter is in the class).  But everything went really well.  All good. All day. All me.

The kids all really enjoyed themselves too.

…and I caught up with K – her husband died at the start of September.  Her youngest son  was on the excursion and she came along as a parent helper. It was the first chance we got to talk to each other for more than five minutes during lunch and it was so good to talk to somebody that gets it.

Mum picked the kids up from school today so I managed to get myself to the library after we came home from the excursion.  I will bring K&H’s pjs over to Mum and Dad’s soon and we will stay for dinner.

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I really miss you in our bed.  You can guess the main reason, but it’s also the myriad of other little reasons.  I miss spooning into your back when I’m cold.  I miss the way our bodies naturally fell into a comfortable sleepy-cuddle.  I miss holding your hand as I fall asleep.  I miss your warmth.  I miss feeling safe, knowing that you were there.

…and I just saw this you-tube clip that so eloquently explains these little details (although actors portray the scene, it rings true).

I miss you.

….even the snoring.

I love you.

XA

Dear Darl, it’s October 26

239 days…

I am absolutely flogged tonight … one of those nights when I just wanted to come home and fall into your arms.

Today should have been my “easy” day of the week – a whole hour of non-contact time in which to plan, mark, generally DO stuff that needs doing at school.

Instead, I spent an hour chasing a parent to tell them that I’d worked out a solution that would mean that their brat child could go on the excursion tomorrow.  *I* did all the leg work that is the parent’s responsibility and I called the Dad to tell him and the bastard wouldn’t talk to me and hung up on me.
NOW I get why this child has such a bad attitude at school…..  GREAT role-model at home. eyeroll.

Basically, if the Dad signed a form, his child could travel to and from the excursion with another parent.  Two seconds of ‘inconvenience’ would have sorted it.

BUT yet again his response was “it’s too hard, I don’t have time, he can’t go”.

Bastard.

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…and now tonight, the *&(^ neighbour’s dog had the hide to bark and growl at the kids when I sent them down to the letterbox for the mail.  They ran back inside without getting the mail.

So *I* went down with a big torch and a bat and got the mail and it growled and barked at me.

So I yelled at it in my biggest, scariest teacher’s voice and it stopped in its tracks.  Then a light went on at the neighbour’s house and they called it inside.
No acknowledgement that the dog had caused a problem.
No apology.

So.

The council has been informed.  I hope the dog-catcher comes out tomorrow.

Today was NOT the day to mess with me!

So now I will take my cranky-arsed self off to bed.

Oh wait.

I have to do laundry first.

Bugger.

At least I can work off some of the rage before I hit the hay.

I miss you.

BOY do I miss you.

I love you even more …

XA

 

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PS – There was one funny thing that happened today – H started swimming lessons at school and all those lessons he had before you died must have stuck … the PE teacher told him that he was a better swimmer than his Mum (!)

She also said that she asked the preps what they thought the pool rules might be … they came up with the usual “no running, hands and feet to yourself” etc.  Then she added “keep your head above the water unless the teacher tells you to put it under”.

…. but H had to add his own touch:

and absolutely NO cannon-balls“.

Yep – that’s our boy!

XA

Dear Darl, it’s October 25

238 days…

I actually wished it was Sunday today, so that I could roll over and keep sleeping instead of getting up and heading to school.
I know!  FINALLY, I’m starting to like weekends again.
Weekends still suck, but I can stand to be alone with my thoughts without spiralling into despair.

School was good today.  No real issues with the “treasures” and the other kids were great.
Penny was with us for part of the day …. you met her when K was in Prep and she was our kind of people and we hit it off.  She’s an aide at school and is going to do her grad dip ed next year and do teaching.  A wise move for someone as smart as she is 🙂

This afternoon, a chap from the climate smart home service came out – he was thorough, patient and well-mannered.  We have a new shower head in the en suite and he replaced about 8 light globes.  He also installed a power monitor so we can monitor electricity usage and it was all for free.  We must have got the nice guy though because Mum and Dad had the service come and do their house last week and the guy just handed them 10 light bulbs and installed the monitor.  Yes – he looked at my invalid father and decided that he’d rather lat an old, frail man with a walker climb a ladder to change 10 light bulbs.  Noice.

So a bit of a nothing day really.  A bit like my life without you …

I miss you.

I love you.

XA

 

Dear Darl, it’s October 24

237 days…

H had a birthday party for a classmate this morning .

Held at the beach front in the full sun.

I made sure I put sunscreen on the kids but forgot to do my arms so *I* am sunburnt.

and tired.

so tired.

I am so mad at the kids at the moment too – both of them repeatedly steal lollies / biscuits / milo from the kitchen and then *lie* about taking it.

…and this came AFTER the had gorged on party food this morning.

They’ve been in trouble for doing it before, but it means nothing to them.  Or rather, it means nothing to K.  She will lie to my face about it and then blame H.

I have decided that I won’t buy any more treats for them for a while and they can earn back the the right … no … the *privelege* of  having a milkshake or chocolate or lollies .

It’s not like they didn’t already get a treat each day, but when I went to give them a chocolate and found the packet empty, I Saw Red.

K is already on notice for this after sneaking 18 of the 20 Freddo Frogs in the pantry last holiday, and then hiding the evidence under the couch.  It’s not like she wasn’t given any treats either.  Little bugger.

Speaking of frogs, I’m still trying to decide if they are frog-poles or toad-poles in our bird bath.

Yes.  It really has been that wet.

I’m thinking they are frog-poles as I can’t see how a cane toad could make the 50 cm leap up the smooth-sided bird bath to get into it.

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Back to school tomorrow, so I’ll have an early night.

I’m off to bed.

I wish you were in it.

I love you.

XA

236 days…

Another day spent restarting the siphon, again asking the neighbour to clear his drain already …and the added bonus of the neighbourhood mutt growling at me while I was standing inside my yard, checking the siphon.

meh.

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I had a very profound thought in the shower last night (site of many a profound thought).

It was like someone else was speaking inside my head and it just came out without very much forethought…..

Basically, I was crying and asking *why* this had to happen to me and the kids and if God knew that you were going to die, *why* didn’t he warn me.

Then the “voice” said…

“because it’s not all about you.  Your purpose in life was to make Greg’s life joyous.  You gave him love, friendship and companionship.  You gave him children. You gave him a reason to get up in the morning.  You gave his life meaning”.

….so either  my subconscious is very profound,  or I’m now officially hearing voices and need to be carted off for a nice rest somewhere with white walls and Valium in the water….

I miss you so much.  I say this every night, but I have no other words to convey my feelings.

I miss you.

I love you.

XA

Dear Darl, it’s October 22

235 days….

You rock.

You totally came through and helped me today and it was awesome.

The kids in my class were all on Valium or something because they were all beautiful and They Followed Instructions (mostly). Unbelievable for a Friday.

Then after school, I pulled into a car park at the supermarket to have Mum pull into the car park next to me.  She was off for a coffee with her old teaching buds (including Mrs W from H’s class).

We dropped by for a chat and Mishi was there as well so WE also stayed for a lovely afternoon.  K described it as “the best day ever” … not that she’s ever prone to exaggerate.

The kids even behaved themselves while we got the groceries afterwards.

We all miss you so much.  I just wish there was a phone line so we could at least talk to each other.

Make that skype.

… but nothing compares to a hug from you.

I love you.

XA