Archive for November, 2010


Dear Darl, it’s November 30

274 days….

Tired. Poor sleep again last night.

Apparently I got too cocky.

Thankfully today went smoothly – swimming carnival in the morning (so proud of our kids who had a go at everything) and I was left with 10 boys for a very peaceful afternoon.

The reason for this is that I twigged that young J had not had his ADHD meds within 2 seconds of him entering the classroom.  I asked him if he’d had them. “I can’t remember” = no.

So I rang his Mum and asked her. She couldn’t remember. I asked her to check and got a very curt  “I’m at work”.  So I said, “Well then you may have to come and collect him as he Can Not Learn Anything When He’s Like This”.

Grandma appeared with the skipped tablet within 10 minutes and the poor lad turned from a frustrated, angry, jumpy, *dangerous* (to both himself and others) kid into a courteous, thoughtful, calm and composed boy, ready to listen and learn within 15 minutes.

Remarkable.

Let’s hope that Mum remembers to give him his tablet tomorrow instead of skipping a few every week to save a bit of money.

~~~~~~~~~~~

I am off to bed.

I should be ringing the neighbours back because they want a document signed but I am too tired to deal with that tonight (we got home at 8pm).

I miss you.

I love you.

XA

Dear Darl, it’s November 29

273 days….

Back at school today and I can tell you that decent sleep makes all the difference with how bad I find the boys.

We went to a friend / parent’s house for afternoon tea today.  You know Bs – K’s friend from school…. her family hosts an afternoon tea party for their teachers each year and since I taught their son H this year, I was invited.

The kids frolicked in the pool under the watchful eye of Bs father, whilst the women were treated to finger sandwiches, salmon and cream cheese pikelets,  mini carrot cakes, and white rocky road.  Very fancy.

It is nice to be appreciated.

Just as I appreciate Bs’ Mum L who has really helped me get through this difficult year…. she was the person who saw me struggle to walk the kids through the school gate for the first time after you died, and she quietly held my hand and led us all in, me sobbing the whole way.

I am coming to realise that there are some wonderful people who are happy to help me take the next step (breath) and keep me going.

I miss you.

I love you.

XA

272 days….

Firstly, can I say that I. Got. Sleep. Last. Night….. and I felt much better today.

thanks.

Let’s repeat the performance tonight. please.  I’ll need good sleep to get through another two weeks of  “the boys”.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My spirits were lifted by a special visitor this afternoon.

This lady is someone who graciously donated her photography / Photoshop skills in editing a good photo of you for the funeral.

This lady is someone with a heart as big as a country mile.

This lady is beautiful, awesome, talented and *smart*.

This lady is my friend.

It did my heart good to meet her in the flesh today.  ….to see someone who’s known hardship themselves and who took time out of a hectic schedule to come and visit me.

Would that we have all met under happier circumstances … but I’m still so glad to have come to know this remarkable lady.

…and you know what?  you would have loved her too.

When you first died, I asked you to keep putting people in front of me that I needed to see, and I see that you haven’t stopped that task.

Thank you.

I miss you.

I love you.

XA

271 days…

I’m still just so tired.

I was coasting along until two weeks ago when life suddenly started to slide.  I don’t know what triggered it.

Am I worried about Christmas?? Well yes but no – it will suck.  There’s nothing I can do to change that.

I wonder if this is why you let me find ou stone this morning.

I cleaned out the drawer I keep my “jewelry” in …. mostly old glasses prescriptions and watches that have died … and I found the stone.

Our Stone.

The stone you slipped into the pocket of my jeans in 1993.

The stone that we continued to hide in each other’s clothing, bags, shoes, cars drawers etc for the next 17 years.

Nothing in that drawer of baubles is worth as much to me as that stone.

This stone.
our stone on 365 Project

Thank you for showing it to me today.  I know you see me and I’m sorry I am so sad.  I hate that I hurt you with my grief.

But thank you for revealing yourself to me yet again today.

I miss you.

I love you.

XA

Dear Darl, it’s November 26

270 days…

I ended up having a quarter of a sleeping tablet at 2:30am …after tossing and turning for 2 hours I figured that I would be useless without SOME sleep anyway.

It worked OK : I got some extra sleep.

I needed it – the boys were feral today.

Not boys: just one boy.

As it turns out, he is apparently medicated at home and Mum is a bit forgetful with the ADHD meds … and it SHOWS.  He just couldn’t keep it together for even a minute at a time.  Just not possible.

Still, we made it through the day.

 

Oh – and I was told some gossip today which is probably true and explains a lot about the deputy and his little habit of fucking with me wrt to work next year.  My opinion of him has dramatically slipped.

Explains a lot of crap that’s been going on though.

It just makes me even shittier that it was you that got hit with the SMITE button that day when the arseholes of the world abound.

It’s just not fucking fair.

 

I’m off to bed soon – I just spent 45 minutes consoling H – he just misses you so much and it’s all I can do to hold him and talk about all his memories of you.

I reiterate: it’s just not fucking fair.

You were a rare breed – a good bloke.  I’m discovering just how very rare good blokes are….

I miss you.

I love you.

XA

Dear Darl, it’s November 25

269 days.

Well I’m tired.

really tired.

Yesterday I wrote November 14 when I meant November 24 and today I wrote November 35.

This is what happens after a month of an average of 4 hours sleep…. and two days in a row of waking up before 3am.

This morning, it was 1:15am.  I *tried* to go back to sleep, I really did.  but I just couldn’t.

I can fall asleep at night OK, but that little bit of rest is enough to fuel my mind … and not even about the fact that you side of the bed is empty because there is a voice in my head that refuses to let me think about you in the wee small hours.

So I went to the Doc and I have a short-term script for sleeping tablets.

that I can’t start until tomorrow night as there’s no way of knowing how they will affect me.

So for tonight, I toss the homeopathic crap that I tried before, and try valerian.

Fingers crossed.

Help me sleep.

Please.

I love you.

XA

268 days….

I’m not wonderfully happy about the way I was told but it seems that I can expect to get work next year … just not sure what or when – I’m on “flexible” staffing.

Not happy because a graduate got put on permanent as I was told that graduate would be ME, and also because another supply teacher is on class and I know that the lower years teachers prefer me…. because they’ve all told me this AND I’m the one they request.

But … I have a job.

The other news … which I guess you already know … is that I saw that psychic this week.  if she weren’t bang on with so many things I’d think she was a nutter.  Lovely, but a nutter.

She knew how you died, that it was quick, even to when I’d miscarried at how many weeks at which number pregnancy. I’m now also checking my tyres and she knew tehre was a problem with the house foundations (a spring under your house does tend to cause the odd problem).  She urged me to buy a new car and have the house checked out.  She also told be that I should fight for more money … and knew this was totally not my style.

I’m a suffer-on-through type, not a stand up and make a spectacle type…. for myself.  I’m like a lioness protecting her cubs for anyone else’s fight.  She also told me to stop taking on the problems of the world and to fix myself first.

All I told her was that I was a widow.

The upshot of her reading was that she wondered how I was still standing … and I suppose I have no idea myself.  Lets hope this really is rock bottom then and I can claw my way back.

I am going to try to get sleep tonight – wish me luck.  Last night I managed 5 hours.  Not so bad but months of it are getting me down.

Miss you.

Love you.

XA

Dear Darl, it’s November 23

267 days…

Tired.

Boys were better in class today.  It’s their job to test me, but they’ve already done that twice this year when I’ve had their class for more than literacy sessions and I really could do with them just DOING the right thing.

 

Your Super just came through today.

I feel very blah about this.

You weren’t worth much dead.  These people obviously didn’t know you …. you were priceless and I’d gladly be poor to have you back.

I know I should be grateful – other widows are also struggling for money more than me.
Less luck than good planning though (I will punch the next person who tells me I am lucky) – we are cheap to keep and always have been.  I have an inability to spend money on myself and I don’t think you ever really appreciated how much cheaper I am to keep than almost every other woman I know.  I don’t DO jewelry.  I don’t do beauty spas and creams. I borrow books from the library. My clothes are inexpensive.  I never asked for a new car or  an exotic holiday nor did I expect these things. I would love new furniture etc, but have had to fight so hard for every new thing I gave up and learned to live with the hand me downs and dump rescues.

The financial planner dude was dumbfounded that our family lived on less than a pensioner couple.

Meh.

Just meh.

I want you back.  This is all wrong.

I miss you.

I love you.

XA

Dear Darl, it’s November 22

266 days….

Monday.

Why the hell did I say I’d take the boys for the last 3 weeks of school?  I just had the other year 3s behaving and working well and then I volunteer to go back to the boys?

What is wrong with me?

I guess the fact that I’m the one that D and P trust to have them helps.

But the little buggers put on a star performance today…. within the first 5 minutes … BEFORE more than about 7 boys had arrived….. I had an issue with one of them stealing the worksheets and hiding them.

His main problem was that a) there were only a few boys inside at the time and b) none of the others were smart enough … nor sneaky enough to pull this off.

I recovered the sheets and they did work, but I came down hard on their behaviour today.  One was in buddy class for about 2 hours and the deputy came and put the fear of God into the rest of them.

They are lovely boys but Oh My God can they try it on.

I ended up reminding them that they already knew I wasn’t going to put up with their poor behaviour, so it really wasn’t worth their time trying to misbehave ….  and this seemed to work for some of them.

They really are beautiful kids but the behaviour of some of them is off the scale.

I should have them working well just in time for the Christmas break.

 

Our kids are a bit fractious tonight too.  K had an excursion to the beachfront today.  They were supposed to be traveling to and from the boardwalk in parent’s cars.  I was very clear that I didn’t want K hopping in anyone’s car and she was only to travel by bus but she still ended up having at least one trip in a car.

Not Happy.

I’m just a little bit sensitive about who is driving my people anywhere these days.  I hope you understand.

In my dark moments when I wonder if life could get any worse I think about something happening to my kids and that would definitely be worse.

A lot worse.

Unsurvivably worse.

So I am really not happy about my kids traveling in the cars of people who may or may not have a clue how to drive (which in my view is at least half the road users in this state).

 

I miss you.

So very much.

I love you.

XA

Dear Darl, it’s November 21

265 days….

only 100 days left ib this first terrible year of widowhood.

Strangely, this news does not make me happy.

I had a bit of a revelation last night … I was just reading random crap in a magazine and was reminded that one of the many benefits of Omega-3s is as a mood lifter.

Yep – I hadn’t had fish in weeks (unusual – we usually have seafood at least once if not twice a week) and I really hadn’t had a great deal of meat at all.

Thursday night I made garlic prawns and had the left-overs on Friday for lunch.  Friday night we had fish and chips and Mum and Dads, and we had the leftover fish on Saturday night.

Four days of seafood meals.

and by today, I feel on more of an even keel.

Coincidence?

I still don’t know how I’ll get through the rest of my life (rest of this year, month, week, day, minute, breath??) without you.  But at least by today, I’m in a more fit mental state to put one foot in front of the other and keep going.

You were always my mood stabiliser and you are gone.  Your hugs aren’t there to pick me up.  I don’t feel your hand on my back or your chin on my shoulder when I’m feeling blue.

I miss you so much.

I love you.

XA