249 days…

Week 5 down.  5 weeks to go.

I love teaching but full-time is definitely too much right now.

I got a compliment from my mentor Dee today.  Someone else had “the boys” yesterday while she was away.  The other teacher is a regular supply teacher at the school and quite good, and also after a more permanent position there.  She was OK with the boys, yet 3 of them ended up in the principals office yesterday….

Anyway Dee said – “Thank goodness the boys will have you for the last 3 weeks of term.  They need you.  You are the only supply teacher I trust with them”.

Colour me gobsmacked as I think of Dee as being one of the best teachers I’ve come across (and Mum worked with her way back when and really liked her too).

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I am tired tonight.  I’ve been saying that all week but it is true.  I get more emotional when I’m tired.

I yell at our kids too much.  They are beautiful children and yet I find myself yelling at them when I don’t want to be.  I know better than this yet I’m so tired and sad I fall back into old habits.  I love them beyond belief, but sometimes I expect more from them than they can give.  More than I can give.
Mind you, they are easily pleased.   I bought fish and chips for tea and H immediately hugged me and told me I was the “best Mum in the whole wide University”.
He is special, that boy.

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I’ve cried a lot this week.  My tears just come at the most inopportune times and my grief seems very raw again.  The only difference is that now, the grief is hard and strong, but I can kind of block out the worst of it most of the time.  I can function.  I can work.  But I’m no fun.

It’s like my world is so much smaller without you in it.  I don’t travel more than 10 km from home.  I shun social gatherings.  I beg off from parties.  I don’t answer the phone … unless it’s Mum or I have time to actually talk. I am becoming a hermit.

I just am totally shattered that you aren’t here and I can’t fix this.  I tell kids “we can fix this” all day long…. and yet I can’t fix this problem.  There is no fix.

I love you more than I ever told you when you were alive.

XA

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