261 days…
Welcome to rock bottom.
I have been in floods of tears for the past few days. I wondered this morning how I would cope at school all day. I couldn’t stop the tears flowing from the moment I woke up (far too early again this morning).
Yet somehow I managed not to cry at school.
Our kids weren’t so lucky.
They are sad and confused as to why Mummy is crying all the freaking time at home.
I think it’s because I have finally lost all faith and hope that my life will be OK.
…and yet you decide to kick me when I’m down ….
…..There was no staff meeting today (still no news for work next year – P was just hot air it seems). I decided that, since I had a few child-free hours (Mum picks up the kids on Wednesday afternoons) I’d go down to the little shop of horrors crystal / psychic / medium / art gallery/shop and ask for a reading. After all, I have absolutely no certainty in my life right now … you are gone, Dad’s cancer markers are elevated again, and work are being a bunch of busted arseholes and are now mucking me around after months of “We want you on permanent next year”.
I argued with you in my head on the way there … I could hear you saying “we don’t do this mumbo-jumbo stuff”…. and I replied with “there’s a lot of things I never contemplated ever having to do until this year … and I’ve had to find out a lot more about funerals, burial, headstones, grief counselling, child bereavement, superannuation and workcover than I ever thought I’d need to know.
so I drove down to that little shop after school today.
Not even the two other teachers from school or the lady from church sitting and having a coffee at the shop next door could deter me from my mission: I wanted a psychic reading to give me *something* to work towards. Something to look forward to. Some reason to keep going. Some ray of hope or heads-up on further heartache ahead.
But what did I see when I arrived at the shop door??
“Apologies – this shop is closed for the afternoon due to am emergency. Please phone *&^% for a reading”.
….and you knew I wouldn’t phone that number when you organised this little tableau, didn’t you.
So – yeah. Very Funny. You got me.
Bastard.
The addition of the bumper sticker on the car in front of me just added insult to injury: “I feel much better now that I’ve lost all hope”.
Welcome to rock bottom – that’s where I am at.
A
Oh darlin’… I can do one for you from here:
Life will seem like crap (on and off) for some time to come.
But little reminders of how great life CAN be will poke their heads through the gloom JUST enough to keep you hanging in there.
Your kids will remind you how amazing they are, and how much you need to keep putting one foot in front of the other for them, and how you will be so very fully rewarded in the days, months and years to come.
Sometime, in the future, and sooner than you think, something will make you smile spontaneously. You will go a whole day without crying. Your kids will surprise you with something special ‘just because’.
But in the meantime you WILL reach out to people who can support you – and you will do it not only because you need it NOW, but so you can keep reaching for the things mentioned above.
Big hugs from someone who ‘talks’ too much.
Hold tight, Mother Bear.
BB
I think Bush Babe has nailed the reading perfectly. Hugs xoxox
now, if that were me, I would have had a screaming fit of rage in the car, along the lines of “see what happens when I try to have some faith?! I get myself all okay to ask for a “legit” sign that there is something in this hell that says it isn’t hell, and the SHOP IS CLOSED?! THAT is how you offer your f()%^&*) help to me?” And then lots of screaming and crying until I exhaust myself and fall asleep somewhere. Ahhh. Good times.
It will suck. It does suck. There will be times when it feels like there is only “sucks” and “sucks more.” And, there will be times when there is some lightness, some gentleness that comes in without you noticing it until you suddenly notice that you’ve not felt quite as heavy, though you aren’t sure when that started. There are times when something is beautiful, and a lot more times when something is beautiful but it doesn’t matter that it is. If there is something lasting beautiful, it’s built in this spot. We lived in a rainforest, got shoved into a desert. No amount of palm trees will make it a forest again. I hear deserts can be good too, in their own way. Hmmm – I think there’s a rumi poem about crossing deserts alone, only camel’s milk to drink….
Sweet A; I am so very sorry you are in that black pit of total despair. Sometimes all we can do is endure, and the wheel will turn again for you, I promise. Use the rage as I may have said before -rage against the dying of the light. On the practical side continue to grab all support you can and I would suggest some psychotherapy just for you, if you haven’t already done so. Warm thoughts across oceans and continents.
I don’t know what to say or what I can do to help, but just want you to know that we’re all here thinking of you and hoping for better days for you soon.
And also everything BB said.
Take care of yourself lady.
TS
I’m so sorry you’re having such a hard time right now. When these black periods come, and they do, there is sometimes just nothing you can do but put one foot in front of the other, focus on getting from one moment to the next. The sun will come out again, but until it does, know that I’m shining my little light for you over here in California.
Thank you all.
By today, things are bearable again. I’m not so low.
I stopped worrying about what work are doing for me next year and remembered that they do like me. I’ll get work. No need to panic over an income.
Dad’s cancer markers are being rechecked and his MRI today showed that his brain tumour is stable.
and spewing all the feelings our here last nigth and reading all of your comments today has really helped. I”told” someone how bad it is. You listened and let me know that I’m not alone.
thank you.
XA
What a bitch it is when the sadness overwhelms….
Good that you are feeling better for the weekend; I think of you and yours every day, A.
Thanks Lynda – I was thinking about you the other day (you’ve been quiet on the internetz). Hope you are OK. XA