Archive for December, 2010


305 days….

Which means that you only lived 59.5 days into 2010.  So I’m not sad to see the back of 2010.  In fact, I’m not sad to see the back of the last 5 years which have been nothing but pain and heartache for out family.

The sun was out again today so we met Mum and Dad at the beach for a picnic lunch.  Very pleasant.

When I got home, your sister C was waiting.  It was good to see her.  She stayed for a few hours before continuing on her merry way.

It was almost like she knew today would be another hard day where I look back and see only pain, and so she came.  She’s managed to do that a few times when I’ve been down.

This despite the fact that her part of the world has had flooding this week too and she had a 3 hour round trip to drive from her fiancée’s place to her own.

But 2010 has been just plain horrible.

But it just had one last parting shot on its way out…. H just came and showed me his very first tooth ready for his very first visit from the tooth fairy.  A fairy who has had to search high and low for a single gold coin.  Just a little sting in the tail from our friendly 2010.

I’m not looking forward to 2011.  I predict I will feel just as sad next year and ever future year that marks another year without you in it.

I miss you.

I love you.

XA

Dear Darl, it’s December 30. Sunshine

304 days…

and what a beautiful day.

The sun shone all day long and we enjoyed it.

It’s amazing how sunny weather can brighten a mood!

It also meant we could get out of the house and go play down at the beach front.  I packed the kids scooters and helmets and we, along with every other person who lives in this area , had a fantastic time playing at the beach in the sun.

Meanwhile, the rest of the state is flooding.  Quite spectacularly so … I’ve been lucky enough to see loads of pictures from another wonderful blogger – the one that visited us a few weeks ago…

It made me homesick for the farm in a strange way…. I mean, I’d HATE being flooded in there, but at the same time, it’s so very interesting … well interesting while the house is dry and the septic tank not overflowing….

You were always so excited by  flood.  You had a million stories about floods….

Like when you and your father chopped a mark high in a gum tree marking the level of the 1974 floods.

Or the time when you were older and knew that there was a flood coming down the creek …  your parents must have been in town at the time so you took the Fordson down to the creek to rescue the irrigation pump …. only to get bogged with water rising around you.  How thankful you were to hear your Dad chugging down with another tractor to pull everyone off the bank and onto higher ground.

You had the memory of an elephant for anything farm-related.

I miss that.

I love you

XA

Dear Darl, it’s December 29… I think

303 days…

For the first time in a long time, I honestly did not know what day it was when I woke up this morning.  I had to check my watch to see.

I am choosing to believe this is because I finally feel like I am on holidays at last.

Could also be because I had shitenhausen sleep again last night.  I stopped the sleeping tablets a few weeks back but have been taking a valerian before bed and sleeping in until 6 am!!  Last night I forgot the valerian and I do think it made a difference.

Life is so much brighter when I’ve had sleep….

GC was supposed to be staying here tonight, but has chosen to spend the night at the transit centre instead.

Oh well.

I did offer a bed, but just can’t face the 45 minute airport pickup at 10 pm tonight so I suggested a cab or catching a train to our local station.  Apparently he’d rather sleep at the transit centre than spend any money himself.  I had to stop myself from telling him that I’d pay for the cab …

 

It didn’t rain today (hooray) so the kids got to ride their scooters … it made a huge difference to them as well as me.

I managed to do some gardening which felt good.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I dreamt of you again last night … but it was another version of the horrible dream where you leave us for someone else.  I just felt so bewildered that you could love us so much but just up and leave and NOT see the children.  I found your phone number and was so angry I yelled at you to at least come and visit the kids….. and by the way, we were happy so why did you leave??

In reality, nothing could be further from the truth:  I never had a moment’s anxiety about you straying.  Never.  Each of us was so in love with each other and so loyal it just never entered our heads.  I remember someone raising their eyebrows at the amount of time you spent at the farm (although when they said farm they used those stupid air quote fingers).  They couldn’t understand why I was so calm about it and knew that there was no way you’d ever stray.

Just as you knew I’d never stray.

Funny how we both always knew exactly what the other person was thinking or doing at any given time.

Taking the words out of your mouth….

I miss that.

I miss you.

I love you.

XA

 

 

302 days….

Another day when we stayed indoors to escape the vile weather.

The kids are getting really bored – they can’t ride their scooter anywhere as even the garage has water through it again (although I am now convinced that this water is from under where the deck will be – fingers crossed).

I am also having conniptions about the amount of money flowing out of this house right now – drain and deck to make the house stop flooding  Will Not Be Cheap AND the upcoming blood money estate payout to two of your sisters for the family farm which remains my duty to discharge under both your mother’s and your own will (I really must get onto an estate planner and get this organised for 2015 when I hope to be free of the place …. not what you wanted to hear, but what use is it to us now?).

Not to mention the fact that the 16-year-old car needs replacing.

All while I’m only getting partial pay for these holidays.

Meh.

It just has to be and I need to get used to that.

I miss you so much right now.  Even if we were to argue about this, at least the decision would not be mine alone to make.

I love you.

XA

Dear Darl, it’s December 27. Rain.

301 days…

It’s raining.  A lot.

Apparently it’s the highest yearly rainfall we’ve had in 150 years … which would have to be fairly close to when this city was founded anyway.

I hate the rain.

Rain killed you.

and now it sees fit to flood my garage again despite the new drain.

I am hoping this water has fallen on the house side of the drain.

The entire yard is a mudpit.

As  is the basement.

and the mud smells.

I wasn’t expecting Christmas to be fantastic, but this flooding rain has made it a new and special kind of hell.

and you aren’t here to hold me.

I miss you.

I love you.

XA

 

300 days…

Three Hundred Days of this insanity.

I think I’ve been worse for the past 2 months than I was in the first 2….

or maybe the fog of grief has me fooled again.

Yesterday was horrible.  The kids didn’t seem to notice how bad I was though.  Funny how they are so easily distracted by something shiny.

I cried a lot.  On my own.

It wasn’t all about me either.  I kept thinking about other people going through difficult times.  It’s all just different rooms in hell really.

…and I didn’t go to church.  I am losing my religion but not in an REM way.  I believe in God but I don’t think he performs any miracles.  I think he’s as jaded as the rest of us.

But then I took us all to Mum and Dad’s for lunch and Mum made everything bearable. I don’t know what I’d do without Mum.  Seriously.  If she were gone as well I think I’d be following shortly after….

 

Today was a bit better.  I cleaned the inside of the house – something I have been neglecting due to all the work being done outside.   But I always feel better when the house is clean.

…and  it rained a lot today.  Water has come into the garage again but the drain has stopped most of it.  The backyard is a bog … indeed an idiotic woman got herself bogged on our footpath this morning.  It’s wetter than it’s ever been.

I’m hoping that the current seepage is due to the fact that the deck is not yet on to provide shelter for the ground this side of the drain.

 

 

I miss you so much right now.  None of this is right.  None of this was supposed to happen.
How is it that the person who always seemed to know exactly what I was thinking is dead?

I love you.  Forever.

XA

 

299 days…

Today was not good.

But I survived.

Just.

This is wrong.

XA

298 days….

Resilience  on 365 Project

I made this yesterday. It’s the photo I was going to use on my 40th birthday invites and words I found on a widow’s forum.
I kind of sums up today…..I sucked it up and went to the party with our oldest friends.
L was there which was a godsend.
You were missed.

I drove home through the rain and cried.

I didn’t go to church for Christmas Eve services.
I really don’t’ see the point as I move further and further away from religion.

This is all wrong.
XA

Dear Darl, it’s December 23

297 days….

I must try to write to you before I get so tired…..

I’ve been going al day, but can’t see what I’ve actually done.  I start doing a job that needs doing only to have to race to do other urgent things that I didn’t think about.

But at least the garage is drying out.

There is still water there, but subsiding to all but nothing.

It feels good to know that the house has stopped being inundated by water.

But I feel flat.

I just want to go back to “normal” now …. but I can’t.

 

Poor K was given a diary yesterday … she wrote you a letter telling you that the only thing she wanted for Christmas was for you to come back and be next to her when she woke up.

sob.

There is no fix for this.

My sun and moon shone out of you and it’s like I’m walking around in the cold and dark.

and I’m tired.

So tired.

and teary.  … you are not here doing what you should be doing.  You are not winding me up about going to the farm for a week.  You are not laughing at me when I do something stupid (like fall in the mud).

You are not here.

and I miss you/

and love you beyond breath.

XA

296 days….

Shhh – don’t say it out loud … but the garage appears to be drying out. Let’s hope this is a sign that all is well.

The backyard is a quagmire of mud, but I’m so happy it’s OUTSIDE the house.

 

Did I tell you  we saw the lunar eclipse last night?  I was probably more excited about that as I was about the Christmas lights.

I also got a phone call back from my friend from school whose hubby is a builder – he will come and give me a quote on the deck after Christmas.

It’s all happening!

 

I am still dreading Christmas though.

This life we have.  … it’s not the one we chose.  It’s not the one we deserve.  It’s very wrong.

I miss you.

I love you.

XA