291 days…

No storm today – Huzzah!

But I am so tired and demoralised from waking several times during the night and then from 3am so that I could turn the pump off and sweep out the ground water.

I am so tired.

But today I decided on a little retail therapy (:P) and bought MY Christmas present ( a little camera that will fit in my handbag) and I went to see my lovely hairdresser who made me feel relaxed and pampered.

I really struggled to walk pasta  bunch of Torana T-shirts and know that I couldn’t buy one for you.

My fear is that we’ll fix this next hurdle (the groundwater) but I’ll hit the ground with a sickening thud when I realise that the underlying problem of you being dead is still there.

I can’t fix that one.

and believe me, I’ve tried.

I re imagine that day over and over and wish for the ability to reverse time so I could phone you / distract you/ ENSURE that you didn’t get in the car with J.

But I can’t fix it.

No matter what bargain I make with God or the Devil.

I can’t fix it.

and that sucks.

…although I would maybe appreciate not having the garage flooding all the time.  I’d appreciate sleeping through the night instead of waking every hour to go and check the pump.

Oh God how I miss you.

I love you.