308 days….

Another day – tick.

I didn’t’ sleep well last night.  More nightmares.

Consequently I didn’t finish all the things I wanted to get done today.

We did however, have dinner with the neighbours which was nice.  They still talk about you like you mattered.

T will come and show me (well try o show me) how to open the garage doors without the power.  It seems he thinks he knows how to do this so that will be good.

I never found out – you always did it.

Add it to the list of things I never thought I’d have to know how to do….

Warning – the following is not for the fainthearted….

I keep going back to wondering how you died.  I’ve been told it was “instant” and I know that 3 different people told me NOT  to see you.

This tells me that your injuries to your head were severe.

So my nightmares go along the lines of your head being chopped off and the car filling with blood.  Or the even better version where just the top of your skull was ripped open and your brain and eyes are smeared across the cabin.

Each time I wake in a sweaty mess with a silent scream on my lips.

I will always wonder if the reality of your injuries is better or worse than my recurring nightmares about them.  I will never know.

I wish I could have said goodbye, and yet I dread to think of what recognisable part of you I could have said goodbye to.

This shouldn’t ever be something anyone has to wonder about.

Or cry fat salty tears over, time and time again.

But know that if you were injured and alive and needing me, I’d be there, no matter the damage. No matter the blood.  If you’d been alive and I could have seen you one last time while you were here, wild horses wouldn’t have dragged me away.

Even if all I could have done was sing to you and hold you as you died.

I love you so much.

XA

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