328 days….

We had to go to a Christening this morning.

For the first time since you died, I didn’t cry in church.

That may be because I don’t feel the love of God.  I don’t feel that he is my “light and salvation”.

I feel that he has fucked my life over quite royally and there’s no way I’m bowing my head and saying “thank you sir, please may I have another”.

So I didn’t pray.  I didn’t sing.

…and I copped a few stares.

But I did show up for my friends and their baby.  I smiled and nodded and was sociable after the service.

It did manage to put me in a foul mood for the rest of the morning though.

Broken by making ice-cream and then going for a swim.

Swimming calms me.  It’s very womb-like when your head is under water and your ears hear sounds in the water but not sounds out of the water.

and now I will go to bed and hope for sleep.

For the kids start school tomorrow and THAT will make me cry… in the past, you’ve taken the morning off work to take the kids back to school on Day 1.  We’ve walked into the school grounds as a family and settled the kids into their classes.

and tomorrow, that won’t happen.

I miss you.

I love you.

XA

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