387 days….

I heard about another widow I know …widowed after me … she has found someone new.

She is quite in love.

This makes me sad.

Not about her happiness.

Just that I am nowhere NEAR being there.

I don’t even want to look for someone new, even though I just want to be happily married again Right Now.

….but I want to be happily married to YOU.

Nobody else will do.

I guess it is good that I know myself well enough to see that I am not ready.

That I would only be using another person as a crutch.

Expecting characteristics and quirks that only belong to you and me.

Expecting another person to drag me out of this hell.

I’m Not there.

Not yet.

I know I don’t’ want to be alone for the rest of my life, but I can’t even imagine interacting with someone “new”.

When I met you, I had a deal with that bastard…  otherwise known as God … that I’d have a thumping realisation when I met my “Mr Right” .

I’d had enough of crap boyfriends and I didn’t want to spend any more time with people who were … well … just NOT right for me.

So at the tender age of 22,  I had sworn off men until I got that kick, that thump, that nod from above that *This One* was my Mr Right.

… and frankly, you couldn’t have come with any more bells and whistles …. it was almost like  a   flashing neon sigh saying “I’m Mr Right”.

It was obvious to both f us from the minute we met.

Obvious to everyone else at that party too.

We were Meant To Be.

So what worries me again is that while I’m here,  forsaking all others, pining after you….   that I may miss the next flashing neon light.

I miss you.

I love you.