401 days…


I’ve been writing to you for a year now.  I feel much further from you than I did a year ago when I could smell you.  when I could clearly hear your voice.  When your things were  everywhere.

I can see the ups and downs of this horrid year though …. the fog of grief at the start.  the spiral into despair. the crawling ever so slowly towards the light.  the doldrums…

I think that’s where I am now.

The doldrums.

Going in circles.

Some days better than others but nothing changes.

I’m still going nowhere.

I don’t like this life much…. but I promised you I’d live it for the children so that’s what I try to do.

Not that they get much of me.

They get tired Mummy.

Sad Mummy.

Shouty Mummy.

With occasional flashes of lovely Mummy.

at least that how it seems to me.

Can this be over now and we can go back to normal?


I miss you.

I love you.