841 days

The shortest day.

Winter Solstice.

Darkness.

Last weekend, I got a bit of a condescending lecture about “everyone eventually dies” from my pseudo-cousin who I haven’t seen in a long time.

I don’t think you ever met him.

He is older than me.

He is an ambo (so I guess he’s seen death).

…and true to his everlasting form, tries to tell me the way of the world as he’s done since I was a child.

He means well.  But I could live without the condescension.

While I know he has seen some horrors during his working life, he hasn’t had to live with them. Day after day.  Loss of past, present and a future denied with that person who is dead.

He still wakes every morning with his wife of 25 years next to him.

He still sees his three children every day.

He still calls his parents every week.

His own world is untouched by death even though his working world is mired in it.

He knows death but is untouched by personal grief.

Because seeing a neighbour die or losing a friend is NOT the same as losing the person who has shared all of your adult life.

All of my memories of my adult life have you in them.  I’ve lost the one person who was there making all those memories with me and the one person who I can share that smile with when a shared memory pops up.

…and not only have I lost being able to share memories with you, I’ve lost you from all my new memories.  The memories we should be sharing now are complete.  There is no more when there should be.

It is very easy to dismiss death as something that happens to everyone when you haven’t had the love of your life die about 40 years too soon.

There – I feel better now that I’ve spewed this out to you …. at least you are still my sounding board, albeit a much quieter one now….

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