Three years
1096 days.

I thought I would be better this year.  I really did.

But I’m still falling down the rabbit hole.


An now today, I wake from little sleep.

I vomit.

I try to sleep more, but can’t.

I am flustered because I want to be at the cemetery at the exact time you died, and know I won’t make it.

It is still raining (has it stopped at all in 3 years?  is this the same rain that killed you?)

The kids are sad.

I am sad.

and tired.

The flooded garage during the week didn’t help.

We meet Mum for lunch.

I don’t know what to eat.

I choose poorly and gag on my food.

The kids whinge.

I come home.

I eat far too much chocolate.

I visit Mum and Dad.

Our son decides its time to have a tantrum that we haven’t seen in years.

I come home.

I distract myself on the internet.

I manage to bait a troll who wants to debate me on half-facts and semantics ( trolls are sad when they can’t understand the information they’ve cut and pasted from elsewhere and then try to defend their misunderstanding.)

I opt out of the debate (there isn’t one in my head, nor in the science and I don’t need the agro today of all days).

I try to sleep.

I can’t.

I ask you to talk to me.

You don’t.

I read a book that my lovely friend sent me…..

…..and it makes me think….

….and then I remember that flowers arrived right at the time you died.

more flowers arrived right when I was feeling really low.

…and then my friend arrived just because and we chatted.

….and I sleep.

Fitfully, but I sleep.