I had it Before.
Now it is really hard to find without my one-man cheer squad.
I know I am clever. Really very clever. I mean, I have it certified on multiple pieces of paper fergoodnesssakes.
I graduated top of my university class for my education qualification; second top of my class for my science qualification. I was given scholarships to do my PhD. Which I was granted on the first submission. My final GPA was 6.7 (out of 7).
….and yet I doubt myself all the time.
Before, I had Greg to talk my ideas through with and in so doing, strengthen my confidence that I did actually have the smarts required for anything.
But Greg boosted my confidence in other ways as well…..
Knowing that he thought I was beautiful and sexy did wonders for my confidence.
When I was a blimp on legs, pregnant with our big almost-10-pound baby boy, he constantly let me know that I was not the whale I thought I was, but a beautiful, pregnant mama.
When I was given the worst hair-cut of my life (the silly hairdresser put LAYERS in my naturally-curly hair and gave me a mop) he laughed at my high-humidity-frizz-induced tantrum and said “with boobs like yours, nobody is looking at your hair”. (….and nobody but him would get away with saying that).
When I was timidly starting out with my new camera, he complimented my “eye” for a shot.
He’d hear me sing in the shower and applaud.
When I tried a new recipe, he’d clean the plate.
When I tried any new thing, he’d tell me I could Do it.
My one-man cheer-squad.
….and now I find my confidence slipping in all things. I doubt my decisions on almost everything. I have no confidence in my looks or sex-appeal so I don’t even bother trying to find anyone new. I frequently bore myself and wonder that I don’t bore my friends to death. I cook the same meals, over and over. I rarely sing in the shower (songs have been replaced with tears). I look at my photography and suspect that the other photographers I know just say kind things about my photos because they feel sorry for me.
I don’t feel this way all the time (I do not suffer from depression), and I never feel insecure about ALL of things at once … but sometimes, more than one of the above affects the way I think about myself.
…..and I wish my personal cheerleader was here to remind me that I am OK.