Confidence

 I've got my SASSY pants on
and I'm NOT afraid to 
use them!

I had it Before.
But now?
Now it is really hard to find without my one-man cheer squad.

I know I am clever.  Really very clever. I mean, I have it certified on multiple pieces of paper fergoodnesssakes.

I graduated top of my university class for my education qualification; second top of my class for my science qualification.  I was given scholarships to do my PhD.  Which I was granted on the first submission.  My final GPA was 6.7 (out of 7).

….and yet I doubt myself all the time.

Before, I had Greg to talk my ideas through with and in so doing, strengthen my confidence that I did actually have the smarts required for anything.

But Greg boosted my confidence in other ways as well…..

Knowing that he thought I was beautiful and sexy did wonders for my confidence.

When I was a blimp on legs, pregnant with our big almost-10-pound baby boy, he constantly let me know that I was not the whale I thought I was, but a beautiful, pregnant mama.

When I was given the worst hair-cut of my life (the silly hairdresser put LAYERS in my naturally-curly hair and gave me a mop) he laughed at my high-humidity-frizz-induced tantrum and said “with boobs like yours, nobody is looking at your hair”.  (….and nobody but him would get away with saying that).

When I was timidly starting out with my new camera, he complimented my “eye” for a shot.

He’d hear me sing in the shower and applaud.

When I tried a new recipe, he’d clean the plate.

When I tried any new thing, he’d tell me I could Do it.

My one-man cheer-squad.

….and now I find my confidence slipping in all things.  I doubt my decisions on almost everything.  I have no confidence in my looks or sex-appeal so I don’t even bother trying to find anyone new.  I frequently bore myself and wonder that I don’t bore my friends to death.  I cook the same meals, over and over.  I rarely sing in the shower (songs have been replaced with tears).  I look at my photography and suspect that the other photographers I know just say kind things about my photos because they feel sorry for me.

I don’t feel this way all the time (I do not suffer from depression), and I never feel insecure about ALL of  things at once … but sometimes,  more than one of the above affects the way I think about myself.

…..and I wish my personal cheerleader was here to remind me that I am OK.

Advertisements