Struggling


I’m kinda struggling tonight (and this post is late).  I just can’t seem to catch my breath….
Last week, my daughter was sick so I had to take a day off work and look after her.  This lead to my class of kids Not Coping Well with my absence, so the rest of the week was spent calming and redirecting about 7 students and reassuring the rest of the class that order had been restored and everything was OK again.

Not to mention worrying about the sick kid at home with the temperature of 41°C (trust me when I say that is scarily high in centigrade).

Then my Mum had an accident on Friday afternoon – she was knocked down by some dogs, and long story short … she ended up in the ER with concussion and a memory loss that scared the living daylights out of me.  She also ended up with a broken tibia, but this wasn’t picked up until her GP ordered an xray on Monday.  She is now in a moon boot for the next two months.

Mum is my main support person.  She also cares for my Dad but I would have folded in a heap a long time ago if it weren’t for her. …and to see her so utterly confused and in pain was like a cold, hard kick in the guts.

As an added bonus to that drama, one of the paramedics was talking to me as the ambulance made its slow journey into hospital with Mum in the back, and I mentioned that  she was my Person now as my husband had been killed in a car accident….. which lead to him asking about Greg’s accident. I saw him pale as he tentatively asked if it was That accident with the Porsche.
…and so my brain being what it is, I spent quite a bit of Friday night contemplating just how badly a person can be injured when a seasoned paramedic pales when speaking of it 3 years later.  Its times like this when I wish my brain wasn’t that kind that always needs to know more, research more, find out what puts the “bad” in “bad accident”.  But you don’t get to be a research scientist from not wondering too much about stuff….

…and now tonight, the tiredness has caught me.  I am trying to catch up school work that was missed due to the Not Coping last week.
… the insanity of coming home to find my tack-sharp mother not remembering what day it was nor what she’d said 5 seconds earlier (she still has a memory loss of about 5 hours from Friday evening that she’ll probably never get back).
… the stupid, sleepless hours imaging what horrors are imprinted on that paramedic’s memory from Greg’s accident.

….and it all leads to the grief coming up to the surface.

…and I find myself struggling tonight.

But I will sleep soon, and I will wake tomorrow, and I know that like every grief cycle, the grief will ease off again and calmness will return.

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