The Death March #4

The death march part 4: signs

Angel Danbo by the immensely talented and all-round nice guy Aaron Aldrich

Here I am in the final week of the death march.  March 1 is racing towards me like a freight train.
To be honest, it can’t come soon enough so I can put it behind me and then maybe my subconscious won’t feel the need to see 2am come in each day.

But 2am has seen me think about all the signs I have received …. some of them, even before March 1, 2010.  I am not going to list them here, but I will say that there have been so many, many specific instances of contact that I can not ignore them.
…and on talking to others, it seems I am not the only one who knows, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that they are here with us.

As many of you know, before I was a teacher, I was a scientist.
I have a PhD and a string of other qualifications.
I am trained to be skeptical of anything that can’t be backed up with hard data.
….. but at the same time, I am trained to entertain novel ideas and I am trained to understand that just because something can’t be measured with current technology, it doesn’t mean it isn’t happening.
But then again, I have always had a Bayesian weight-of-evidence view of science over and empirical one.

….and for me, for my own personal beliefs, the weight of evidence is overwhelming.  It may not be overwhelming enough to withstand peer review and publication, but then I don’t really care how others view the eternal .

So as I sit here, writing the last of the death march posts, I remind myself of my own, hard-won knowledge that he never left me and is part of my life everday.

The Death March #3

The death march part 3: birthday week

Zen garden by the immensely talented and all-round nice guy, Aaron Aldrich.

So – only one more week (and a few days) until March 1.
Only three more days until his birthday.

Still the nightmares about the accident.  

Still that vivid mental image of how his arm looked in his work shirt contrasted with the smashed watch and phone that were given back to me.

Still the crying at odd times.

Still stressed about work….

… but

still …. Fine. 
 
I know I am teetering on the edge of “fine”  and “f#cked-up” though.

I know it won’t take much to make me lose my balance and go tumbling down the rabbit hole.

I am hoping that there isn’t that One Single Straw that floats onto my back to break me into small pieces.

But so far ……

Still fine.

Just.

The death march #2

The Death March Part 2

 Starstruck by the immensely talented and all-round nice guy, Aaron Aldrich.

So I am still feeling mostly …. fine.

A few extra tears have crept in though.  Not those snot drenched sobs that come from my guts and leave me heaving and shaking, but the silent, delicate raindrops that leak from the corner of my eye as I remember all he was and all I have lost.

I seem to dwell more on the mechanics of how he died at this time of year.

It still kills me that I kissed him goodbye at 7am, just like I did every single day ….. and never saw him again.
Ever.

It still kills me inside to know that there was nobody there but his workmate (who died shortly afterwards) as his life and consciousness drained away with all that blood.

It still kills me that I didn’t insist on spending time alone with his body before the funeral.
He was so badly hurt that everyone from the policemen who attended the scene to the mortuary assistant were all adamant that I could NOT see him.  At all.  Not even his hand.

It kills me that I had to tell my very small children that their beloved Daddy had died.  I can still remember them looking at me like I must have been playing some sort of mean trick.

It still kills me that instead of feeling the love that I know was being poured on me, I felt hundreds of pairs of eyes boring into my skull as I entered the church at his funeral.

It kills me that I never looked up from the carpet to see the packed church and all the people who loved him.  I saw only my children, my family, my best friends, the ministers (there were three of them) and the screen that failed to capture his essence in pictures.

But despite all my regrets, he remains dead.
I don’t get a do-over, nor do I want one.

….and that’s where I am in this part of the death march…..

The Death March

 (Danbo photo – source unknown)

Well here I find myself in February again – his birthday coming up and then March 1 looms large at the end of this month.
But….
This year, so far, I am feeling ….. fine.

I don’t expect that this will last the whole month.
It could just take one single let-down or piece of bad news and I am bound to lose it.
But so far …… fine.

Fine.

Just the letters in this word seemed so foreign to me just 1 year ago.  ….and almost 4 years ago, I couldn’t even imagine that I would me sitting here, feeling …. fine.

I will keep you posted as we travel through this month ….. but as of right now?

Not exactly good.
Not exactly bad.
Not exactly desperate.
Not exactly OK.
Not exactly happy.
Not exactly miserable.

but….
Fine.