Dear Darl, it’s July 31

152 days….

I will be brief.

GC is here with his youngest child.  Hopefully he will help me put some junk out for curbside cleanup … but so far has been true to the family trait of collecting other stuff from other people’s junk piles.  Hope it all disappears!

He bought a surf ski at a swap meet today and we took the kids down to the waterfront to test it out – at low tide and right on sunset. …. something you would typically do.  I scared him into coming home by mentioning sharks, stone fish and blue-ringed octopi.

Will write more tomorrow…

love you.

XA

Dear Darl, it’s July 30. Busy Friday.

151 days…

A busy day today.

I dropped the kids at school then dropped a heap of documents off to the solicitor.
Hopefully she can get probate underway if nothing else.  I hope she can also get the compensation claim underway too.  I hate that I have to do this job.  The only reason I have to talk about probate and compensation is because you are dead.  It feels mercenary … and yet I know that it is the right thing to do for the kids and I.  I’m simultaneously thankful for compensation that does get paid, yet saying “is that all G was worth ?”  I wish I could pay it all back to have you here.

I also had a date with the gynae and his horrible scanner.  This is a new bloke that you never met.  He’s young but at least he is funny and not like Dr Grumpy-Pants who delivered H and had a grand tour of my innards when I had that lesion on my cervix a few yeas back.  So yeah, we are on Ob/ Gynae #3 now.  Hopefully this one won’t retire or run off on me…

Then off to pay some bills.

I did get a bill today that I refuse to pay.  The rates notice on the farm was sent *here* as a default.  I bet GC will think I should pay the whole thing.  Frankly, I dont’ want to pay any of it, but I guess I’m obligated to pay half.  I know you took pity on him and offered to pay his share of all the farm stuff, but I am just not going to do that.  I wasn’t happy then and I’m not happy now and legally, I am only responsible for half the expenses as we only own half the farm.  I also now know the story of his “deal” on the original house of his and T’s.  T’s father owned half and GC and T were to buy him out.  Apparently T’s Dad is still waiting for the money, 10 years later.
So no, I’m not paying GC’s share of anything.

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There are times when I think I’m a real head case and then I think there are times that are just too weird not to be something more than this life….

Like the randomised “album cover” game I played yesterday on Facebook.  I go a gorgeous beach- sunset-peaceful scene, the band name of Fey-en-Heye and the album title: “Unconditional Acceptance o Life and What it Brings”.

Trying to tell me something?

What about my melt-down last night when I decided it was OK to stop being Mrs “Holds-it-Together” and that maybe becoming an alcoholic was in my future.  So the random quote in the book on grief I opened at the bookshop today??? “If you weren’t a stronger person, I’d expect you to turn to alcohol“.

Yup.  OK.  Got it.

Definitely telling me something.

Thanks.  I know you love me…

…and I’ll love you forever

XA

Dear Darl, it’s July 29

150 days…

Wow – I just sat down to write this post and heard a voice on the tv say  “the recently bereaved are at higher risk of dying within the first year … from heart failure”.

I’m not surprised.

This morning, I nearly had a car accident.  A van was speeding down the hill and nearly hit us.  It was a near miss.

I felt nothing.  My heart rate didn’t rise. I just continued on my way thinking that the line between life and death is so fine.  You were such a safe driver and yet you died on the road.  Can you believe that I was so calm – me – the nervous passenger?  The super-safety driver.  I just felt “meh” about the whole thing.

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I had morning tea with the auditor, principal and head of curriculum.  Just a chat.  It seems they are happy with my work.  I think I’m “in” at this school.  I hope so. For the first time in my life I can say that I Totally Love My Job.  I have none of the yucky jobs and all of the joy.

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Why do I keep struggling so much with the fact that you aren’t coming home?  I really just can’t seem to fathom it. One minute, I understand and then I wake up wondering where you are.  Thinking that you’ll be home soon.  Looking for you everywhere.  Not finding you.

I love you so much.  Please don’t leave me.

XA

Dear Darl, it’s July 28

149 days…

After another good day at school where I got to be OK again for a while, I was in tears by the time I hit the car park.

That’s how quickly I can go from being OK to sobbing and finding it hard to breathe.

It hits me like a freight train.

I drive home and think that you won’t be there when I get there.

I listen for the rev of your car in the driveway and the remote roller door to move as you arrive home …

I look at a pack of men’s jocks in the supermarket – your brand, on special.  I don’t need to buy them for you.

You aren’t here.

You won’t be here.

Ever again.

and that Just Kills Me.

I miss you.

I love you.

XA

Dear Darl, it’s July 27

148 days….

Another day.

The kids saw the psychologist again today – she’s noticed the difference in them too I think.  They are both much calmer, even though the sadness is still there.

K is reading so well now.  I have been slack on the homework front lately.  She’s done it but I’ve only been half concentrating as I did other jobs.  But now we are in full reading mode.  She is awesome.  She did amazingly well on her last report card – bright as a button. She’s reading better than most of the year 3s I teach.  She’s reading herself the Big Book of Tashi each evening before she goes to sleep. Words I have to decode for Year 5s are not so difficult for her. So proud of her.

H is a little winner too.  Yesterday, he did the most wonderful drawing of himself and his new rocket *to scale*. He measured himself against his rocket and had the proportions exactly the same in his drawing.  It makes a nice change for him. He has to be in the mood to draw, but when he does – AWESOME.

Our kids are fabulous. I will do the best I can to raise them to their full potential.

I love you so much.

XA

Dear Darl, it’s July 26

147 days….

Thanks for the dream last night.

I know I was crying in the shower last night, thankful that we had that long lovely cuddle on the morning of your death.   Sad that I desperately want to hug you like there’s no tomorrow … and realise that there IS actually no tomorrow…

…and then I dreamed about you being here for a short while – I knew you had to go again, but you helped me do something (clean the house I think – now this is how I knew I was dreaming!), helped my Dad, had a laugh about my Dad with me and gave me the warmest, tenderest cuddle I ever had. I remember thinking ” remember this … he will have to go soon”.  I had my head on your bare chest and could remember every nook, every cranny, every broken collarbone….. You were happy and smiling and assured me you’d be around but couldn’t stay.

I miss you, but thanks for the “visit”.

I love you.

XA

Dear Darl, it’s July 25

146 days…

Wow…

I’m feeling a bit down yesterday and today I get a surprise visit from my bestest friend / bridesmaid and her kids.  They picked up morning tea and lunch rolls as they drove across town.

They stayed all day and we had cauliflower soup for lunch.  The four kids played together All Day and were just beautiful.

…and I got to be with L and Just Be.  She told me about her school, how’s she’s on LSL until next term and how they are going to Italy for 5 weeks.  I’m so excited for them 🙂 We talked about you like you’d just stepped out of the room.

She is balm for my soul.

Thankyou for sending her.  For putting her in front of me today.  I needed to see her.

I love you so much.  You were one of a kind.  My best mate. My soul mate.

I love you.

XA

Dear Darl, it’s July 24

145 days…

Weekends are no fun.  I anticipate them all week and then they are just so flat when they get here.

Your sister N and D came over this morning to pick up a fridge (the stainless one you picked up from the side of the road and repaired).  They also took that bunch of old doors from under the house and moved a mattress out to the footpath for council cleanup.  I made them work for the fridge.

On the up side, both of them were very clear about supporting me in the farm debacle … and warned me not to ever have GC in my debt as he never repays money.  Good to know. … not that I was planning on it.

I had a big cry in the garage after they left. I really haven’t touched much in “your” space and it just feels so sad knowing that you’ll never tinker in your workshop again.  It’s just so wrong that you aren’t here.

I also got another call from the police officer today … as soon as I see police these days, my heart sinks to the pit of my stomach and I start shaking.

She let me know that the report is submitted in draft form but that it will still be months before the coroner gets around to ticking the box and signing it off.There’s still no single causal factor, but the fact that the car wasn’t speeding makes me feel good … and makes me want to slap stupid bastards who seem to think it was.  Even the police officer said she’d had a go at other officers who were crapping on about speed.  Good.

She said more stuff that I won’t write here.

At any rate, you were the passenger doing your job.  A job you’d done a thousand times on a thousand cars.

I can’t wait for all this  shite to be over.  It just makes the whole process of losing you even harder.  I just want everything sorted out and to be back in control.

I want to feel safe.  and loved.

That’s going to take a long while…

I love you.  You really  are my soul mate.

XA

Dear Darl, it’s July 23

144 days…

Today started well – I got a special message which confirmed for me, yet again that you can hear me. You know how to cheer me up is all I can say.  Hearing from the right person on the right day really lifted my spirits.  Again I feel that you are near me and can hear me.  How else would these ‘co-incidences’ keep happening?  I found out about the 11s and I love it 🙂 “The 11 configuration apparently happens when you lose a partner who you shared not only a physical and love bond with- but also a unique, developmental and strong soul bond as well!”

I knew it.  All those 11’s had to mean something.

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Mum and I planned a day of shopping.  I dropped the kids at school and for once, H’s Friday teacher was on time.  I was looking forward to a quick getaway when I dropped K up to Year 2 … to find the door shut and no sign of Mrs S.  So I waited with the class of kids for 10 minutes – they are a lovely group so no real drama – aside from the fact that I wanted to start my anticipated day of shopping.  When Mrs S got there (she’d had an emergency – not normally her style to leave a bunch of kids unattended) she showed me one of K’s drawings.  An astoundingly good portrait of my Mum.  It’s a surprise for grandparents day.  K has an eye for detail!

Once at the shops, I had a ball.  It was a day where I found every single thing on my list easily AND on special.  K and H’s birthday presents are sorted.  I have new jeans (yay).  I found the exact wool I need for a scarf  I want to make. New drawers for K’s cupboard to better organise her school uniforms. …and a little surprise in finding those measuring cups I’ve coveted for so long.

There was a toy sale on (hence me getting the kid’s birthday pressies sorted) but none of the elbowing and pushing I usually associate with sales and mothers wielding prams like battering rams.

AND I have a shiny new haircut which had me feeling a bit swanky.  Kinda novel since I’ve been feeling crone-like lately.

A great day for me really.  All it took was for me to be open to knowing that you are near.  That changed my outlook on everything.  life doesn’t seem so pointless today.  Yes I will have to live for another 50 years by myself, but if I can remember that you are never far away, that helps.  That helps a lot.

I love you.

XA

Dear Darl, it’s July 22

143 days…

Another day ticked off.  That’s really all I’m doing here – marking time.

School was OK.  The kids were OK.  Our kids were fabulous.  As usual.

Meh.

This shit is unending.

I’m not suicidal but the rest of my life can’t fly by fast enough…. and that makes me sad to know this.  I feel like my life will be a big waste of time.  Platitudes about what you would have wanted for me just don’t cut it. This is a half life.

My life was over on March 1, 2010 and now I just have to live until I get to die.

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I enjoy work.  But I miss not having you here to talk to about it.

I miss hearing about your day.  I imagine what you would have done or thought about the goings on in our world.  I imagine jokes you would have made.  I wonder what you would think of some of my choices in Just Getting By.

Most of all, I miss being able to curl up with you and feel safe.

I miss knowing that I was lucky.

I miss being married.

I miss feeling like the coolest bloke on the planet was at my side.

I’m surrounded by caring friends and family and yet I feel so alone.

I love you.

XA