Dear Darl, it’s June 30.

121 days…

121 – another play on numbers – I’ve been seeing them all day. Each time I glanced at the treadmill display this morning I was either at 1. 1 km, or my heart rate was 121 bpm.  I looked at the clock at 11:11 just because.  I looked at my watch when I got the mail: 12:34.  I feel like I’m supposed to understand something about them but I have no idea what.

It’s a bit like a dream I had a few weeks back when you handed me a 12-string guitar and asked me to play John Butler Trio’s “Ocean”.  While the music was in my head, I just couldn’t make it come out of the guitar.  If I were to take this dream literally, I’d ask for Dad’s Arnold Hoyer guitar and learn to play … but somehow I think that maybe I’m supposed to tune a different instrument so I can communicate better. I don’t know – dream interpretation is not my strong suit.

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It was raining here today – cold, wet and miserable.  Much like me.

I need to accept that there are so many things I can never do with you again … yet I can’t quite get past the shock that I won’t get to do anything with you again.

I feel you here with me, and yet I can’t see you or touch you or talk to you.  The one person who I can tell everything to has gone…. or at least can’t talk back.

I miss you with every fibre of my being.

I wish you were here.

I love you so much.

XA

Dear Darl, it’s June 29

120 days…

It’s been quite cold here today.  I have been forced to defy your rules of minimal use of electrical devices and used the dryer to dry the clothes that had been hanging outside for 7 hours and were till wet.  But in my defence, we don’t have a heater and at least the dryer heated up the house.

We had a very quiet day at home.  It’s been much needed.  There were more sad moments of course, but I think we need to BE here for them rather than dodging them by filling our days with activities. Friends kindly want to protect us, to save us from being alone these holidays, but really, dodging the sadness will only result in it hitting us later.

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I’m always sad at sunset … the Ode of Remembrance line  “at the going down of the sun, and in the morning, we will remember them”rings in my ears and I remember you.  I think of you as being just over the horizon.  Just past the sunset.  One day I will meet you there.

I love you so much.

XA

Dear Darl, it’s June 28. Live from the new laptop

119 days….

Why yes, I finally got time to set up the wireless connection and new laptop.  About time I suppose.  I just set up firefox with a new theme – I’d forgotten about those.  I’ve gone with Doctor Who’s TARDIS. Mind you, I haven’t loaded up MS Office yet so I haven’t got far.  It’s just nice to have time to do it.

Laptop mice are annoying though and the buttons are in funny places.  Geez I’m such a Luddite!  Still – better than you.  I’d only just convinced you that you needed a mobile phone in case of emergencies.

Sadly it proved to be useless when there was an emergency. It broke on impact and my careful entry under ICE / In Case of Emergency was useless and the police took about 5 hours to find me.  All those armchair experts on the car forums were all “surely the next of kin would know straight away” and “release the names already”.  Well fuck them sideways with a rusty chainsaw.  I didn’t know straight away.  Some people with REAL jobs don’t have access to news at work and actually have to WORK rather than phone their parter every hour. …. and since we weren’t in the habit of stalking each other with eleventy million phone calls each day, I was none the wiser.  Car forums are mostly arsehats it seems.  Maye a few of them are not complete idiots and recognised the fact that you boys WERE highly experienced drivers.

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We are officially on school holidays now.  It’s nice not having to rush, but it gives me far too much time to mope around. Today I was unbearably sad for a while.  I keep coming back to the fact that you aren’t coming home.  I sound like a broken record I know, but my brain has been trying to come back to this stabbing pain for a week and I haven’t let it because I just COULDN”T think about it and sleep / function at school.

You were my best friend as well as my lover, husband and father of my children.  I miss you in so many ways an in so many roles.  I’d love to hear you say “leave it, you’re mad and I’ll deal with it” like you used to when I’d get frustrated with our kids. We were such a good team.

I love you beyond breath.

XA

Dear Darl, it’s June 27

118 days….

A so-so day today.

The kids stayed at Mum’s last night and I went to Andrew’s birthday bash – and really felt your absence.  The lady I ended up getting a lift with is someone you knew from college ….. who was widowed in January as it turns out.
She had actually split from her husband two years previously and he’d remarried the mother of his youngest child just days before he died … but still a very sad lady. She is also a teacher at a nearby school.

B&J were at Andrew’s place along with J&A and their kids, so I was well looked after.  B&J had even packed an extra folding chair for me and a blankie.  It was a bonfire party, but still quite cold away from the fire.  Perfect viewing spot for the lunar eclipse though 🙂

The kids had a ball at Mum and Dad’s and we all went to the local markets this morning.  Fairly boring market in the scheme of things, but the point is that I chose to go out somewhere on a Sunday morning.

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The knowing that you will never do stuff with us again sucks.  I want you *here* with us.

I want to hug you and feel the smooth curve of your back in my hands.  I want your wiry arms around me.  I want to rest my cheek on the smooth skin of your shoulder.  I want to hear your voice.  I need your warmth near me when I shiver in the cold.

I miss you so very much.

XA

Dear Darl, it’s June 26

117 days….

I’m posting early today.  I am going to Andrew’s birthday party tonight and won’t be home until late.  Mum is looking after the kids.

Truth is, I don’t want to go.  I want to put on a movie and curl up on the couch.  I’d be quite happy never to attend another social event ever.  But I am making myself go.

Mind you, I’m not so sure about it.  I’ve managed to ask for a lift from a lady who apparently knew you in college.  I may have met her, I’ve got no idea.  She and her son are going and he is driving to build up his hours for his P-licence.  I really really do not want to go and I really really do not want to drive to Andrew’s new house (where I’ve never been) and where I can barely navigate to anyway.

Maybe I should suck it up and just drive.   At least that way, I’m in charge of how to get there and not a kid with an L-plate.  Dunno.

This is your territory again.  Driving to places in the dark.

I hate this shit.

XA

Dear Darl, it’s June 25. Last day of term.

116 days…

Today started out OK.
I had the boys again today. All beautiful except for one little football hooligan in training that makes me worry for the future of society.  He was a rude little turd for me, even when given strategies  and opportunities  to make  good behaviour choices.  The clincher was when another teacher saw him push two younger girls down the stairs at lunchtime.  He laughed, the little turd.  He’s a little bully – makes me wonder what life is like for him at home….

Our kids are being feral tonight – they are fighting even from in bed.  I’m choosing to ignore them.

I’m so tired tonight as I think I have now got what the kids had – just in time for holidays.  Go me.

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My brain keeps going back to the last night you came home – late from the farm.  I always listened for your car to know you were safely home before feigning sleep because I was so mad with you for going to the farm for yet another weekend away from us.
I’m still so angry at you for choosing to spend your last weekend on earth with your brother and his children and not with us.  It may be irrational but I don’t care.  Your family got so much more of you than they deserved.  They just EXPECTED that you would put the bloody farm ahead of your own family and that pissed me off no end.  Stupid bloody place was not profitable and prematurely killed your parents and yet you’d go back there and work all weekend.

I’d give anything to hear your car arrive home from the farm, late but home.

I love you.

XA

Dear Darl, it’s June 24

115 days….

A massive day here today – in more ways than one.

It was Under 8s day at school.  I love Under 8s day.  The fact that I also go to WORK on Under 8s day was awesome.  I had the Yr 3 boys and I luff them all.  Toughest crowd in the whole school (all boy class and with about 25% with special needs)  and I rocked it today…..  (crossing my fingers as I type – which is quite difficult –  and hoping that I haven’t now jinxed it for tomorrow).

Mum took K & H around the activities and by all accounts, they had an awesome day.

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It may have escaped your notice in Heaven and all, but the other thing that happened today was that we no longer have Kevin Rudd as PM.  I am gutted for him  – I loved Kevin.  He did more for ME as PM than all the others put together.  He was a rare breed – a politician with a soul.  I’ll miss him.

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It will be an early night here tonight – for me anyway.  The kids went home with Mum at lunch time and slept all afternoon so no doubt they’ll still be up and giggling at 10pm.

You were a shocker at letting them stay up late.  I guess the up side is that we’ve never had trouble with “bedtime” routines – you’d curl up on the couch, with one of them on each side of you and you’d all fall asleep.  I’d often finish study for the night at ~9pm and gently wake you and you’d carry them off to bed.

You were such a beautiful Daddy.

I love you so much.

XA

Dear Darl, it’s June 23

114 days….

Some days I think that God is pushing my buttons to see how many more little things he can do to me before I crack up completely.  You know  – the straw that breaks the camel’s back…

On Monday – it was the bottle of maple syrup that I knocked onto the newly cleaned kitchen floor as I was getting the kid’s breakfast (YOUR job).

On Tuesday – it was the 6th steaming pile of dogshit that bitch from across the road has deposited on our front lawn in a week.  The dog that is … although the lady could also be described as a bitch – you never met her, but OMG can she swear at her kids.

This morning it was the fact that the newly installed fluoro light in the kitchen flatly refused to turn on this morning. (It’s OK – I worked out that the new bulb was a dud and got the store where I bought the fitting  to replace the bulb for free).

and then….

something completely beautiful happens.

Like the two perfect rainbows we saw today.

…and like the fact that our beautiful, clever little girl got almost all Very High (Outstanding = the best) marks on her report card.

Let’s just consider what this kid has been through this school reporting period – new class with dodgy teacher for 3 days a week,  then *death of her beloved father*, associated funeral and continuing emotional fallout, illness, therapy and she still scores top marks in every subject … bar one.

Yep – she got a “Sound” in music.  (NO – not “Sound of Music” you fool – I sooo know you just cracked that joke ’cause I can hear you in my head!)
Basically, she got an average mark and her only “B” for effort (the rest being “A” for effort which is graded separately to achievement).

But did she catch on to my enthusiasm and words of praise when I opened her report card?
No.
She latched onto that one deviation from “Outstanding” and cried.
She is just like me – remember last year when my GPA was 6.7 out of 7 and all I could see was that one subject where I only got a 5.  For every other subject, I topped the entire course cohort and got 7s for, yet the one mark where I deviated from perfection is all I can see even now.

K : Me = Apple  :  Tree.

She cheered up once I put it all into perspective though – she remembered making a mistake on the test.

She is beautiful.  Just beautiful.

H is also just gorgeous.  It seems that most of his anger that he initially displayed after you died has dulled and he is just a complete joy.  He *thinks* about things very deeply.  He’s still rocking out from winning the prep prize on Monday.  Then, 5 minutes ago, he just ran to me in tears and said he missed you today.  I hope you hear his prayers every night at grace “Let Daddy always know he loves us and let us know that we love Daddy and that he’s always close to our hearts.  And let us know that we love Nana and Grandad and let them know that we always live them and that they always love us” etc etc.  I  think he’s channeling Tony and his epic grace sessions that would leave everyone with cold food.

Geez our kids are gorgeous.  You would be so proud.

Scratch that – I know you *are* so proud.

I love you.  I miss you.

XA

Dear Darl, it’s June 22

113 days….

…and again I  find myself completely dumfounded as to how the hell we got here.

I am inappropriately angry that I have friends who say something like “I think we will do x, y or z” and stuff actually works out for them.  For us, it’s always been try with all your might and still come off second best.

I mean I didn’t think I was asking for too much here – All I ever wanted was a nice family life, remaining married to my true love and raising a family together.  Enough money to be off struggle street, yet never wishing for more than we needed.  I mean thousands of people aspire to this dream so it’s not really like I was hoping for the unattainable.

…and so I cry every time I see an elderly married couple who have what we can never have: love that endures into old age.

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Memory of the day….

When we holidayed at the beach last year, there was a dear old couple in their 80’s who tottered into the surf for  a paddle.  Alarmingly, the lady was knocked over by a wave and seemed to be having some trouble getting up, her elderly husband unable to provide her with the support she needed to get up again.
You ran off to help, but the life guard got there straight away and had them up and on their way again.
As they tottered back up the beach, clinging to each other, making sure the other person was OK, we looked at each other and sighed.
Each of us hoping that one day we could totter down to the surf and hold each other up as we paddled in the shallows.  To have the joy of  caring so deeply for someone for so much of your life is a precious gift.  I wonder how many elderly married couples realise how blessed they are to have each other….

I miss you more than ever and I fear that I will always feel this intense sense of loss, of anger that the life we wanted was ripped from us.  Anger that we tried with all our might to be good people, to live life with grace and love…

I love you beyond words

XA

Dear Darl, it’s June 21

112 days….

An OK day today.

The kids still have lingering sickness – lots of snuffles and coughs.

H won “the prize” in prep today – he was very proud of himself for showing good behaviour choices all day long.  K saw the little boy who bought her picture today – he came and told her that he liked it so much he had to have it and hoped it was OK with her – talk about a cute kiddo!

School for me was good – I really do like being there. Having said that, holidays can’t come soon enough.  I check my last payslip today though – they’ve neglected to pay me for a half day I did two weeks ago.  I’m going to let this one slide as I want more work and think it was a genuine oversight.  But I’ll remember it in case it happens again.

The more teachers I talk to there, the more it seems that they all want me to stay on.  Let’s hope that SOMETHING good happens this year then and I get more permanent work there.  As it is, Jan has organised that I’ll be paid for the upcoming holidays and I’m fairly sure that I have work all next term.  Lets hope so.

My memory of the day is how we’d “cheat” the system at one of the tourist attractions in FNQ where we used to live.  They had a little check-list / quiz thing that patrons were to fill in as they toured the  place – if you got 10 out of 10, you got a prize.  EVERY visitor we ever had come visit us got the prize when they went through the display 😉

Love you so much.  I cry whenever it hits me that we won’t get to grow old together.  That is so unfair.

Love you

XA