Happy
There is a lot going in my life right now that I can’t share here. It’s too personal. But it’s good.
What I can tell you is that I am happy.
I never thought I would ever meet this mystical beast ever again, but here it is, showing up in my day and making me smile for no good reason.
Not the legendary, mythical HAPPY that we all hear about in fairytales.
But the happy that comes from lifting your eyes from the floor and seeing that life is really not so bad.
OK even.
I have chosen to believe that my one-sided conversations with Greg are really two sided and that he is letting me know what he thinks and feels about things.
Case in point ….
I had an attack of the “uglies” the other day. Not that I am a particularly vain person, but the last time I allowed myself to be vulnerable to another human (other than Greg) was when I was 22 years old and 22 years younger than I am now.
Growing up, I had two grandmothers who were determined that vanity was not a sin I would ever have and so they both managed to convince me that I was a “solid” girl who was plain. I don’t hold it against them – that was the thinking back then. But I wished I’d listened to my mother who told me what a beauty I was.
Anyhooo – there I was, having an attack of the uglies last Friday night when I decided to look in a cupboard that contained yet more of Greg’s “stuff”. … and I found a motherload of his old photos.
He had photos from the night we met (I looked shy and a bit lost) and he had photos from our early dating life that I had never seen. I looked young and fresh and positvely beautiful. Certainly not “solid” or “plain”.
…and he had a couple of photos of me (and he) all dolled up at a friend’s wedding that were positively smokin’ hot!
…and just like that, the “uglies” went away and I knew that my boy had shown me what he saw when he looked at me.
So yeah – happy.
It doesn’t come in with a fanfare and a show of light.
It sneaks up on you and surprises you when you think it has gone for ever…
you are beautiful inside and out I and I am so glad that you had a day that could make you smile
Happy is fabulous. Like that beautiful smile.
Hello, Today I was looking for an inscription for my deceased partner Peter and my headstone…. I looked up on the internet the words love letters to deceased husband and there you were. Like a little light in this journey…you are like candy…chocolate…your journals have the past 4 years. Thank you for choosing to share. Peter passed suddenly at our home march 30 2011 with me by his side…deep in the forest… As you know this new story this new life has so many twist and turns. I would like to say that the one piece that carried me in the first years was my deepest knowing that he was right beside me as we both embarked on new lives…in different spaces. I started each morning with paper and pen… And wrote to him….I felt him…sensed him…smelt him…signs every where constantly….and this dearly kept me tithered to this planet… Now in a few short days I …we will mark 40 months and it seems to have. For some reason….this deep pull on me…also I am preparing to create our joint headstone….something that honours him.. Us……Pete was 54 when he passed ..me 45… I am going to be 49 Years this September…. I am able to embrace joy again…laugh…be creative… Plan activities…however I do feel like I’m on a river boat… Now…seeing different views and engaging in some….but there is no Anchor…. Also my children all have flown the nest on the last three years… So my role of being a mother for 27 years has changed significantly and the role of being a wife for 13 years is gone….as I knew it.. I wonderthus I am in unchartered waters……just sharing rant with you…thanks for listening and more so for sharing…PS my youngest son just graduated grade12… And is heading to Melbourne… For a few month walkabout..so if you see a bright eyed tall curly haired sweet musical young man…give him a huge Aussie hello. Cheers from Canada… Paula
I only just revisited my blog Paula… I am so sorry you’re in this club too, but I am glad these letters were there for you. Xx