Dear Darl, it’s February 27, 2011. Cousin’s wedding day.

363 days….

and I was up at the crack of dawn getting organised for the wedding.

H woke up OK … definitely reflux … and he and K were packed off to J’s place for the day.

After I managed to get my hair and makeup done and good clothes on we were off for the morning wedding.

Despite myself, I had a great time….

Pete was there for a start and Dad doesn’t yet drive him completely mad so he was more patient with Dad than I was.

….and then I found Cousin A once we got there.  and since she had left her hubby and kids back at their home  in Africa, she was also dateless and had organised for me to be her “plus 1”.  I ended up sitting next to her for the ceremony and we were at the head table with the happy couple, the bride’s sister and husband, the best man and his wife and 1 yo daughter.

The day was just perfect and I love the way that both cousin S and A are so down-to-earth … no silly carry-on or bridal hysterics about anything.

Just a beautiful couple who are very much in love.

and not only that, they are best friends as well.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

The speeches were mostly entertaining and the MC brought quite a few of us to tears.

Me especially.

He talked in a voice, choking back tears as he quoted poetry to them:

Choose a mate who will not only walk the earth with you, but also the stars

sob

that one got me.

I can’t wait to walk the stars with you.

I miss you

I love you

to the stars.

XA

Dear Darl, it’s February 26 2011

362 days….

Saturday morning running around, groceries, washing …. but so hot we didn’t get much cleaning done.

Peter came up today ….and we all had dinner at Mum and Dad’s.

H looked at his plate (corned beef, veges and a few pieces of pineapple) and almost immediately started to make a fuss about not wanting dinner.  He’s not been as bad at eating dinner lately and it did strike me that he normally liked corned beef …. but within minutes he had projective vomited his stomach contents into an ice cream container …

He’d barely touched his dinner so I was a bit worried … about him but also about how I wouldn’t be able to go to the wedding tomorrow and leave a spewy kid with J (who kindly volunteered to take them for me so I could go to cousin S’s wedding).

Luckily Mum worked out the combination of hot day, boy with reflux, a slice of pineapple and half a cup of milk was not a good mix …. it seems that the milk and pineapple combined to give a kind of acid / base reaction with the result of instantaneous spewage … and salt and water (I dunno – I barely remember chemistry 😉

So all in all, we are OK.

I think.

I miss you.

I love you.

XA

Dear Darl, it’s February 25, 2011

361 days…

I treated myself to a trip to the hairdresser this morning.

These ladies have been so supportive of me … I’ve known them since forever and they go all-out to make me feel relaxed whenever I come in. …and since you died I had to insist that they let me pay them or I wouldn’t come back for a haircut.

Anyway, as soon as I arrived we were hugging and K&S (hairdressers)  immediately asked if I was ready for a “bit of a change” to the standard brown bob.  (Apparently, they have both been talking about giving me a change since I made this appointment a month ago).

….I agreed and as I have absolutely zero sense of style, let them do whatever they wanted to.

So 2.5 hours later I emerged with light brown hair with dark brown foils (that’s brown hair with bits of darker brown hair in it to you) and a much shorter concave bob (that’s where the hair is left longer in the front and shorter in the back to you).

I think I like it.

It also looks like I’ve made an effort for Cousin S’s wedding on Sunday.

I even bought make-up and plan on using more than my normal mascara and lip gloss (both functional – mascara to keep my long straight lashes out of my eyes and lip gloss to ease my dry lips).

I predict I will still look fairly average, but with slightly more style than usual.

(photo of new do but sans wedding clothes and make-up)

I miss knowing that you found me beautiful and sexy, no matter how I looked.
You saw the lines on my face and only saw that I love to laugh.
You saw the  extra weight and only thought that there was more to cuddle.
You saw ME.

I miss you.
I love you.
XA

Dear Darl, it’s February 24, 2011

360 days…

K had a great day at school today.  It makes a nice change.

and I’ve picked up some extra work for tomorrow which is nice … just a few hours of aide work, but it’s quite good work.

I also worked out that I had been overpaid for the past month and sorted it out with the HOC… which worked out OK in the end as she more or less indicated that she’d try to flesh my hours out a bit more to make the extra time up as more regular arrangement.

~~~~

Your lovely niece sent me flowers yesterday … I only found them this morning, but luckily it came in a self-watering container so they were still lovely when I did find them.

People have been calling and e-mailing.  It feels good to know that I’m not the only one for whom this coming week hangs like a black storm cloud.

I am starting to get a bit more teary and a little less rational ….  I remember saying a while ago  that I wouldn’t wish this life of widowhood on my worst enemy … but now  I’d wish this on ANYONE else if it mean that it wasn’t happening to me…  to us.  Selfish I know, but there it is.

I miss you so much right now.

I want to hold you.

I want it all to be a bad case of mistaken identity and amnesia so you could walk back in the door right now.

I need you.

I love you.

XA

 

Dear Darl, it’s February 23, 2011. Happy 48th Birthday

359 days…

Happy 48th birthday baby.

Except you never looked your age – you looked about 5 years younger, always.  You certainly looked better and were fitter than your balding mates with middle-aged-spread.

My very own Bona Fide spunk!

~~~

Somehow I got through today.  The kids also got through, but then, they didn’t remember that it was your birthday and I didn’t tell them.

I was at work all morning, had a coffee with my friend Cath, then returned to work for a PD session.

Meanwhile, Mum picked up the kids and we all had dinner together in your honour.  Except we didn’t mention anything as I figured that if the kids didn’t know, there was no point upsetting them.

It’s not like we have another Big Huge Black Milestone coming up next week.

But I cried when I  got home.

I cried in the shower.

I wailed.

It’s just All Wrong.

and it will never be right again.

I miss you.

I love you.

XA

Dear Darl, it’s February 22, 2011

358 days…

K had a much better  day today.  She’s worked on playing with her other friends and making new friends.  She also took it upon herself to bribe her friend with an iceblock, so we talked about it being OK to buy each other an iceblock from time to time, but not a long-term means of maintaining a friendship.

It seems that S is quite controlling at times.   She is a child who can only see things in black and white and its her way or the highway.

K and I have been talking a lot about it being OK to stick up for yourself and I think that’s worked for her today (not to mention that Mrs D knows about the issue and I know she adores K).

Blahhhh – we don’t really need this added stress right now.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Luckily, I had a scheduled check-in with the psych, who once again listened to me babble on and was able to add some really useful advice for me about both kids.  I really value the fact that I can talk about all the issues with her and she comes back with sound advice from a different angle.

~~~~~~~~~~~

I have been trying to avoid the news tonight – major earthquake in NZ.  I just can’t bear it.

If I remember correctly, it was almost a year ago that Chile had an earthquake.

….and to top it off, Tony C’s father died on Sunday making yet another family death to occur lat February, early March.

What is it with this time of year???

~~~~~~~~~~~~

I had some bizarre dreams last night.  We had very early dinner and bed due to the storm and, after some bad piano playing (both by me and the dodgy, out-of-tune-106-yo piano), we were all in bed by 8 pm.

Should be cause for me to have a great night’s sleep.

But I woke several times after hearing you talking to me.

I can recall hearing you say “Can you wake up now” in that voice you used when checking to see if I was awake (and which normally woke me up anyway even if I was asleep).  Odd that it was your voice when I have such trouble remembering the finer details of how you spoke right now when I’m fully awake.  I also had the strong impression that you had been lying beside me in bed, restless and moving around.

I wish I could have staying in that moment longer.

I miss you.

I miss hearing you whisper to me in the dark, feeling your arms around me.

I love you.

XA

 

Dear Darl, it’s 21 February, 2011

357 days…

K had a rough day at school today.

So rough that they paged me over the PA to come to her classroom.

I found her hugging Mrs D and sobbing that she missed you.

and while I know this to be true,  I asked her what was really eating her…

It seems that she and her best friend are at odds and another little girl is edging in on the friendship and pushing K out … and right now, that’s pretty threatening to her.

So we talked about how she was only responsible for her own behaviour, but that she didn’t need to put up with rudeness from anyone …. all reinforced by her lovely classroom teacher.

Interestingly enough, the other little girl found her shortly after I left and tried to pressure her into NOT telling us anything about the problem.  Thankfully K hear us tell her that she should speak up and tell us of any bullying.

Soooo … when I came back to check on her in the afternoon, the look on the other little girl;s face told the whole story – she was bug-eyed and very guilty-looking.  She and I shared a “look” for a moment … and  it was done.

I just hope this all resolves itself quickly.

At any rate, K knows to figure out strategies for dealing with the bullying behaviour…. she spent the next lunchtime with another friend.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A cracker of a storm tonight after an unbearably hot and humid day.  Thankfully we weren’t in the firing line.

I kind of like the light-show, but hate the wind and rain … and noise.

Not you – you loved storms.

I miss how you loved storms

I love you.

XA

Dear Darl, it’s 20 February, 2011

356 days

More swimming.

Floating.

Staring up at the blue sky.

Watching dragonflies and butterflies zoom overhead.

Peaceful but missing you.

Loving you.

Always.

XA

Dear Darl, it’s February 19, 2011.

355 days

We went swimming today.  The neighbours have gone away for the weekend and as a trade-off for having to look after their cat, we get the use of the pool.

So I wasn’t very happy when the first thing I had to do, not 3 hours after they left, was to remove the body, dismembered head and wing of a crested pigeon from next to the moggy dish.

Bloody Cat.

We had our swim, and then, as we were leaving, H pointed out the amount of flies in some leaf litter …. apparently this is the cat’s preferred litter tray.

Bloody Cat.

Thank goodness the pool was beautiful.

I love to float and look up at the sky, sounds muffled by the water, weightless.

I think of you.

I miss you.

I love you.

XA

Dear Darl, it’s February 18, 2011

354 days…

Mum and I visited Nan today.

I had to brave the highway for an hour and a quarter each way.

I’m still not good with highways, even as the passenger.

When we got there, Nan was happy to see us.  She was lucid and asking questions “what am I wearing to the big wedding next weekend?”

Within half an hour she was falling asleep on us and so I went to the loo down the hall.

I walked back into the room and she thought I was a nurse.

She dozed for the next hour, although Mum managed to poke small bits of pawpaw, yoghurt and a little cheese sandwich into her when she was awake… as well as a whole glass of apple juice.

But she won’t feed herself.  It seems too much effort to even lift the sippy cup of juice to her lips.

She is gaunt … weighing just 45 kgs on her 171 cm tall frame.

Bones poke out of her chest and the shape of her skull is visible through her skin.

But she is still Nan… still that last bit of spark in her.

I kissed her goodbye and told her I loved her …. I don’t know if I’ll see her again.

~~~~

I am sad – Mum just told me of another local family who are suddenly down to one parent.  Suicide of the mother.  The father and two teenage kids are bewildered.

I barely know them and yet, I’m wondering whether I should go to the funeral …. I never met the lady but briefly taught her daughter in 2009.

I am seriously considering organising a coffee morning / fish and chips evening / *something* for the local widows and widowers in this area.  At last count I know / know of 6 local families who maaay be interested.

There is a young widows and widowers organisation in this city, but the meetings are held on Tuesday evenings on the other side of town … so I’m not interested in trekking that far on a weeknight.

Dunno if it’s something I can cope with doing just now though….

I just wish I didn’t feel the need to.

I wish you were here and widows and widowers were Other People.

Not Me.

I miss you.

I love you.

XA