Dear Darl, it’s June 28, 2011. Sick.

484 days….

I’ve succumbed to the dreaded lurgy … and to quote K, “I feel like mud”.

The only thing keeping me going are cold tabs.

Of course, this has coincided with the start of holidays … those holidays when I had such great plans to do stuff … but as for each set of school holidays since September last year, something has conspired to depress me.

At Christmas time, it was the endless flooding.

At Easter, it was more bad weather.

This time, it’s this energy-sapping cold that has meant I have struggled to do anything…. I simply have no energy.

It has also meant that we had to postpone our visit with Cousin A and kids who are visiting from their home in Zambia ….. My lovely little niece I has to have an operation later this week and Can Not Be Sick or they will call it off.   …and since the standard of medical health is better here than there, they absolutely Do Not Want to call it off.

..but cold or no cold, I HAVE to do something fun for us.

…and so I am bringing back the vege patch.

Yep – I know you know how excited this makes me.

H is desperate to grow some sunflowers, just like you used to do.

But instead of trying to dig over the vege patch, I’ve found an old wooden crate which I’ve half filled with sand and compost and will add some potting mix tomorrow and then ….

….. we plant.

I just hope I have a little more energy tomorrow.

I miss you ….. and for more than your gardening skills.

I love you.

XA

 

Dear Darl, it’s June 23, 2011. Sole parents are superheroes.

479 days….

I am so sick of putting up with idiots at work.

Specifically, one 20-somethings that knows EVERYTHING about kids.

She was in a flap because she had to look after her boyfriend’s 3 yo niece that evening and she was feeling ill.

So I suggested she use Mother’s Box-shaped Helper (TV) and some well placed DVDs while she reclined on the couch with a few advil and a box of tissues.

I’ve used this tactic many a time in the Before when Greg wasn’t home.

I remember being heavily pregnant with H, feverish with a cold and literally falling asleep on my feet whilst looking after a very adventurous 22 month old K.  Some well placed blocks and a Boo-Bah’s DVD bought me a little nap which got me through the day.

Well.

Obviously I know sweet FA about kids compared to a 26 yo childless teacher because, and I quote, she has been “teaching for longer” than me.

Yup.

Suffer in your Kleenex then love…..

…and I hope to God that she never has to learn the hard way that sole parenting requires a few tricks and compromises to get through the day.

It’s NOT the same as single parenting.

Nobody else can rescue you from your children’s exuberance when you are too  sick to care for them.

Twice the work on half the income…

Literally.

Sole parents are Superheroes.

~~~~~~~

I miss you

I love you.

XA

PS – big things are happening in blog land.  Tonight, my first guest post should appear on Widow’s Voice.  Exciting!

Dear Darl, it’s June 18, 2011.

474 days…

I worked on class yesterday, and I will have that class for the next week and then after the holidays.

It’s all good, but tiring.

The big news is that I saw the staffing inspector yesterday afternoon.

I had a whole of 5 minutes with them.

Thankfully, Lee had told me to plead my case in a letter and I have to admit, it was one of my more persuasive texts of all time.

I outlined the complete and utter crap of our lives and pointed out that they had the power to make my life easier by giving me permanency, starting at the kid’s school ….. but they really only sat up in their seats when I mentioned my science background.

I know that my boss had briefed them on my situation and also said that he fully supported my permanency … I just hope it sunk in….

because I arrived home to an offer of another high school post at a top school, but on the complete other side of town.

Gah – it’s HELP I need now, not challenge.

Please whisper in their ears for me….

I miss you.

I love you.

XA

 

Dear Darl, it’s June 12, 2011. The kindness of strangers

468 days…

I’ve felt you around a lot lately … maybe that’s why I haven’t felt the need to blog so much.

Little things.

Happy things.

Sad things.

Sobbing in the shower things.

… I felt it all and cried for me.

For ME!

Your life is over and so is mine.  I just have to keep alive for another 50 or so years.

All that potential.

All that positivity.

It’s finally broken.

I have always tried so hard … worked hard, studied hard, loved hard.

…and yet it has amounted to this life.

this life.

This life that had so much potential but now lies in tatters at my feet.

 

…and in the middle of all this self-pity, a girl you used to work with sent me this:

 It’s so hard to explain, I have lost my grandpa, my aunty, my uncle and my baby cousin and losing Greg and J was the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. I cannot even begin to feel what you and your family must go through every day, you are all truly in my thoughts all the time. I only worked with Greg for just over a year but I totally get it when you say he was a force of nature. I am glad that you still talk about him and you have your precious memories. He helped me in so many ways at [work] and I considered him a great friend. I am sure you have been told this by so many people but he was always talking about you and the kids and I guess that is why I wanted to let you know that you’re always in my heart because even though I have only seen you a few brief times I feel as though I know you a little better through all of his stories that he shared – I don’t think there was ever a day he didn’t come and tell me a story about you, K,  H or the farm.

I can’t picture this girl.  I don’t recall you talking about her that much… and yet she sent flowers on the anniversary of your death and then this message.

…. and instantly I  got this message in my head…

this message:

I am loved beyond measure.

…and the crushing sadness was chased away.

 

Dear Darl, it’s June 5, 2011.

461 days…

Cousin S joined the kids and I for soccer this morning.

Which was lucky because “Craig” was back and even though he looked at me every time I seemed to raise my head, he didn’t come near us.

…and for that I thank Cousin S.

Given that S used to coach kid’s soccer and plays quite well himself, it was good to have him there this morning – he put the kids through a few drills before they started which was fun for all.

~~~~~~~~~

K was sick all last week.  I took her to the Dr on Friday as her cough was quite bad, and came away with a script for antibiotics which I didn’t need to fill because she’d started to get better by herself.

But I also asked for a repeat script for H’s reflux … and this lovely new Dr stopped and told me that we really should check H’s problem out a bit more as it should have gone away by now….

she mentioned paediatric gastros and further testing.

Fuck.

Why didn’t the first Dr tell me this?

Please let it not be anything serious.

Please.

I miss you.

I love you.

XA

Dear Darl, it’s June 1 2011. Winter.

457 days…

First day of winter.

It was cold …. 19 degrees (shaddup – you know how I consider anything below 20 degrees to be cold).

So cold I actually put the heater on!  I know!

K was sick again … she hasn’t been to school all week as she has been this  croaky, coughing mess all week.

Yesterday morning, she came to me and said: “Mummy, I feel like mud.  Can you do anything to make me feel better – like kill me or something”.

She wasn’t being funny.

So I had to have the day off yesterday with her.

Poor kiddo.

~~~~~~~~

I worked all day today – my normal groups this morning and year 1 this arvo.

Gorgeous kids.  ..

.including one little girl whose father died a week or so ago.

I met her mother as well and she almost hugged me when I told her that I knew a little about how she was feeling.  I knew.

This forced solo-parent family deal is getting ridiculous.  There’s an epidemic at our school.

It has to stop.

Or at least we need to do more than throw the guidance counsellor in their general direction and watch as she yet again tests every conceivable childhood ‘test” (from IQ to EQ to trauma to ASD … Whipsi Whispy Whapsi Whatever)  and talks a bit  and then recommends extra TLC because the kid is basically just sad.

Which is great, but there’s only so much TLC time you can devote to any one kid, given that each of the 26 classes has about 5 kids that need various levels of TLC for dead parents, dead aunties and uncles, sick parents, separated parents, mentally unwell parents….. and since none of things is an official “diagnosis” of anything other than pervasive sadness, there’s no extra TLC suppliers (ie teachers and aids) employed.

We so need a chaplain.

Now.

Please.

Talk to your people and I’ll talk to mine …

I miss you.

I love you.

XA