Dear Darl, it’s 24 July, 2011. Satisfaction.

510 days….

After becoming increasingly frustrated with the other, young (stupid, insensitive) teacher last week, I decided that I. Was. Done. helping her out.

This came after she brought her class down to our (enormous) oval about 20 minutes after us and set up within 10 m of my class for her fitness session.

I was winding up our science experiment which involved an unfair relay (easiest way to show kids that we need to be fair when we test in science is to make a game unfair).

She starts shouting instructions to her class WHILE I am talking to mine.  THEN she told some boys in my class to move because they were in the way.

FUCK it love – you have an entire oval to do your shit on and you bring your class within a few metres of mine and THEN complain???

…when I went over to ask her to give us some space  to finish up (quietly so the kids couldn’t hear) she said “it doesn’t really matter what you get done because you are only the supply teacher”.

Rioght.  It’s on Biatch.

I was civil to her for the rest of the week, but also  supremely unhelpful.
“So sorry, we are still using that equipment (that I brought from home), you’ll have to find something else to use”.
“Oh darn it, we finished up the remaining (resource I brought from home), you’ll have to find your own”.
“So sorry, I didn’t realise you wanted that – I only photocopied enough copies for my class”.

All done in my patented passive-aggressive style.

While I hate having to work like that, I felt so much freer and better.  I wasn’t frustrated.  I wasn’t feeling angry.  I wasn’t feeling upset. I was feeling on top of everything and I was flying!

… meanwhile, my class shone like the diamonds that they are.

….meanwhile, my kids begged me to stay until the end of the year.

….meanwhile, we got on with the business of  teaching and learning.

…..and meanwhile, the special ed teacher who works with some students in my class casually mentioned that the spec. ed unit was really happy with the work I’ve been doing with their kids.

….and meanwhile the spec ed aide that works in my class mentioned my work with the head of spec ed.

…. and meanwhile, the head of spec ed has passed on his recommendation that I be given my own class next year to the principal.

 I know.!!!!!

Nothing is set in stone.

I still might not get the job I want.

I still might get stupid, nasty, bullshit crap pulled on me from young idiots who think they know it all.

But that doesn’t matter to me, because it feels like my work has been noticed.

It feels like I have come out shining despite what seemed to be two deliberate attempts to disrupt my teaching*.

…and it feels like you had a hand in this.

…. it feels like you did some whispering for me.

Thank you.

I miss you.

I love you.

XA

 

 

*There was another incident earlier in the week involving a photocopier, me trying to be helpful, and a wild goose chase that could have put me in the wrong place at the wrong time were it not for a fabulous aide).

 

Dear Darl, it’s 11 July 2011. I felt you here….

497 days….

Pupil Free Day saw me go back to work while the kids spent the day with Julie and her girls.

Julie *really* is a godsend … she Gets This Shit in a way no other non-widowed person does.

…and she is just loving and helpful.

Always.

Work was fine, but for some reason, the powers that be planned a whole day of meetings which left very little time for 30+ teachers to use the single (1) photocopier during lunch break.  Thankfully, I have the power of the TA of Awsomez (Michelle) who sorted my photocopying for me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tonight, I heard Megan Washington sing “Underground” for the first time and wept ….. she has such a beautiful voice and the lyrics Really Got Me….

…maybe because the kids asked me some hard questions on whether I wanted to be cremated or buried and I honestly couldn’t tell them.  I don’t want to be buried under the ground and I don’t want to be burned to a crisp.  I honestly don’t know…

But those poignant words with the beautiful voice and acoustic guitar drew tears from my eyes which ran down my cheeks in rivers…

… and I felt that tingle, that sense that you were holding me, that you were standing behind me, engulfing me in your arms…

…when the lightbulb above me blew and I knew it was you.

thank you.

I needed that hug.

I miss you.

I love you.

XA

 

Dear Darl, it’s June 12, 2011. The kindness of strangers

468 days…

I’ve felt you around a lot lately … maybe that’s why I haven’t felt the need to blog so much.

Little things.

Happy things.

Sad things.

Sobbing in the shower things.

… I felt it all and cried for me.

For ME!

Your life is over and so is mine.  I just have to keep alive for another 50 or so years.

All that potential.

All that positivity.

It’s finally broken.

I have always tried so hard … worked hard, studied hard, loved hard.

…and yet it has amounted to this life.

this life.

This life that had so much potential but now lies in tatters at my feet.

 

…and in the middle of all this self-pity, a girl you used to work with sent me this:

 It’s so hard to explain, I have lost my grandpa, my aunty, my uncle and my baby cousin and losing Greg and J was the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. I cannot even begin to feel what you and your family must go through every day, you are all truly in my thoughts all the time. I only worked with Greg for just over a year but I totally get it when you say he was a force of nature. I am glad that you still talk about him and you have your precious memories. He helped me in so many ways at [work] and I considered him a great friend. I am sure you have been told this by so many people but he was always talking about you and the kids and I guess that is why I wanted to let you know that you’re always in my heart because even though I have only seen you a few brief times I feel as though I know you a little better through all of his stories that he shared – I don’t think there was ever a day he didn’t come and tell me a story about you, K,  H or the farm.

I can’t picture this girl.  I don’t recall you talking about her that much… and yet she sent flowers on the anniversary of your death and then this message.

…. and instantly I  got this message in my head…

this message:

I am loved beyond measure.

…and the crushing sadness was chased away.

 

Dear Darl, it’s May 24, 2011

449 days…

I realised something today….

I don’t hate God quite so much as I did.

Go  figure.

At a time when Westboro Baptists are giving Christianity an evil name, I got to thinking that their main problem is that they take the Bible literally when it’s more of a take home the main idea type book.

…and what’s the main idea?

Love one another.

That’s pretty much it.

The over-riding principal of the Bible.

The principal that supersedes all previous tenets that make people judge each other, hurt each other, discriminate against each other and think that God somehow condones this when he’s pretty clear about not judging others.

All of that is taken away with those three words:

Love one another.

When you love someone, you don’t judge them, hurt them, discriminate against them.

Instead, your forgive them, help them, love them.

and I think some of this hit home … *I* need to remember the main idea.

So while The Big G and I aren’t exactly sorted … I think I don’t hate Him anymore.

Even though he took you away.

I miss you.

I love you.

XA

Dear Darl, it’s May12, 2011. White coat prophecy….

437 days…

K had N-word testing this week (we are officially gagged from saying the N- word or talking about it …. but I’m talking about my own child here Big Brother, not the test itself).  Basic skills test My Arse.

She tried her hardest and that’s all she could do.  I reckon she would have done OK, but we won’t know until Term 3.

…and that’s all I can say about that.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was really happy to get my reading from the psychic  – she was spot on  and it does seem that she knew far too many specific details for this to be quackery…. at any rate, I feel like you really can hear me and are looking after us and THAT makes me feel good.

Part of your message was: I have no idea why but he just showed me a vision of you in a white coat and says that you need to get the passion back. He says a change of direction is coming for you. An opportunity will present itself and then he holds up 4 fingers. I ask if he is saying in 4 weeks or 4 months but he just shrugs his shoulders, winks and says what will be will be. So i will just leave that with you and you can see how that comes about.

…and so today, when I went to see  the boss for a quick chat he said:

“No guarantees, but I am trying to get our science program up and running and I’d like you to run that” (or words to that effect).  I know from past experience that this may not eventuate, but I felt like he is looking after me in the wider scheme of things.  This fact alone makes me feel a lot better about my future employment.

… I am hoping this is the ‘white coat’ of the psychic prediction…. 4 days after I received the e-mail.

I miss you so much.

I love you even more.

XA

Dear Darl, it’s May 1, 2011

426 days….

At 8:30 this morning, I remembered that the kids were meant to start their 6 week soccer program today …. at 9am.

We made it in plenty of time.

H was keen, but I had told K that she wouldn’t be playing as it was only run for kids in P-2…

… but when we signed in, David, the head coach not only remembered us from last year, remembered that I was a widow and the kids were fatherless, he graciously allowed K to have another run this year as they needed more girls playing soccer.

I’m blown away that this man not only  remembered us from  a year ago, but asked how we have been in the intervening time.  He remembered both kids names and was happy to see them back again.

He wasn’t pretentious at all and it wasn’t a ploy for more business (the course is Very cheap for kid’s sport).

Sometimes, people are just plain wonderful.

You would have loved to see the kids run around the soccer pitch and have a go.

… and they would have loved you to see them do it.

We miss you.

We love you.

XA,K&H

Dear Darl, it’s February 25, 2011

361 days…

I treated myself to a trip to the hairdresser this morning.

These ladies have been so supportive of me … I’ve known them since forever and they go all-out to make me feel relaxed whenever I come in. …and since you died I had to insist that they let me pay them or I wouldn’t come back for a haircut.

Anyway, as soon as I arrived we were hugging and K&S (hairdressers)  immediately asked if I was ready for a “bit of a change” to the standard brown bob.  (Apparently, they have both been talking about giving me a change since I made this appointment a month ago).

….I agreed and as I have absolutely zero sense of style, let them do whatever they wanted to.

So 2.5 hours later I emerged with light brown hair with dark brown foils (that’s brown hair with bits of darker brown hair in it to you) and a much shorter concave bob (that’s where the hair is left longer in the front and shorter in the back to you).

I think I like it.

It also looks like I’ve made an effort for Cousin S’s wedding on Sunday.

I even bought make-up and plan on using more than my normal mascara and lip gloss (both functional – mascara to keep my long straight lashes out of my eyes and lip gloss to ease my dry lips).

I predict I will still look fairly average, but with slightly more style than usual.

(photo of new do but sans wedding clothes and make-up)

I miss knowing that you found me beautiful and sexy, no matter how I looked.
You saw the lines on my face and only saw that I love to laugh.
You saw the  extra weight and only thought that there was more to cuddle.
You saw ME.

I miss you.
I love you.
XA

Dear Darl, it’s Monday February 7, 2011

343 days…

Still kicking myself that I managed to block out the fact that yesterday marked the 18th anniversary of us laying eyes on each other and falling in love.

Instantaneously.

Perhaps the gift of feeling “almost normal” was your gift to me.

~~~

School was great today.  I am *loving* this job.

…and my confidence grows daily thanks to our fantastic literacy support teacher.  Her name is Jenni and she would have to count as one of the most intelligent, caring, beautiful souls I have met in the past  year.

…and I learn so much from her, I’m sure to start addressing her as ‘Yoda’ sometime soon.  This afternoon she ran a PD for us and I could so easily see how far I have come in my teaching and also where I need to change / work on to improve.

I’m getting it.

…and what’s more, I can tell the kids are getting it as well.

I am able to get through to them more and more each time I incorporate the things I am learning.

Oh … and what makes Jenni a true modern marvel is her thoughtfulness and compassion that go along with her amazing skill as a teacher….

… I mentioned to her that I may need to bring K&H along to the PD session as Mum wasn’t going to be home in time to take the kids.  Meanwhile, Mum devised a system of ropes and pulleys that allowed the kids to be left with Dad (I know!) for 15 minutes until she could get home and take over … so all was sorted and I didn’t think any more about it.

Until I turned up at the PD this afternoon to find that Jenni had bought a couple of activity packs for *my* kids to use during the PD.

Wow.

I was going to make them sit in the corner and do their homework!

~~~~

Life is feeling almost-normal again … so can you please come home now and we can end this insanity…

I miss you.

I love you.

XA

Dear Darl, it’s 20 January 2011

325 days….

Another unpaid day at work, but at least I have a handle on what I’m doing this term.

Plus I earned brownie points.

and I made sure I am working with my favourite aide (after cajoling her into believing that the year 7s will be alright as they aren’t as awful as last year’s 7s).

K and I (K is the literacy support teacher for lower school) have agreed that we will happily team teach if numbers go up on Day 8.  We told P (acting principal) today and he was all “you two are our top priorities this year and opportunities abound”.

Blah.

I’ve learnt my lesson … I’ll believe it when I see it.

On the up side … this time K and I can act as witnesses for each other wrt to P’s promises.

This afternoon, Terry serviced my car and replaced the brake pads.  I paid him for his trouble, but it feels like *somebody* is finally helping me with the stuff that I have no idea about.  He is quite sure I should flick the car within the next couple of years  which I guess I have to plan on now …. it is 15 years old now and you aren’t here to keep it in good running order, so a new(er) car is now a necessity.

…and after yesterday’s shock quote from the self-proclaimed leaders in patio building, the builder-husband of my favourite aide is coming to give me a quote on Monday.  his words were “(company name) are really expensive – they charge like wounded bulls”.

Hopefully this means his quote will be a lot lower.

But I bloody well hate having to make all these decisions without you.  I am not the decision making type.  I am the perceiver, not the judger when it comes to large expenditure.  I keep coming back to the fact that the deck is really a necessity, not a want…… I *need* it to stop the water from coming into the house….. and still the decision is so hard.

 

 

why Why WHY did this happen to us?

Why are you the one to go?

I just don’t understand.

None of this makes any sense.

Still.

I miss you.

I love you.

XA

Dear Darl, it’s January 9, 2011. Flood.

314 days….

Well, the farm is over 70% under.  I’m hoping it doesn’t reach the house paddock. GC had to get out to move some cows trapped in a low paddock and may yet have to swim them up to the house paddock.

This shit is not fun.

~~~~

B&J came today – a fabulous visit where B did lots of blokey jobs around the house.  Seriously, he was finding things to fix just like you would.

It was so nice to have them done so easily when these jobs would have made me really struggle.

But he still couldn’t figure out the garage door emergency release….. so I still need help with that one.

The phone has been out again today.  At least I haven’t had to argue with Helstra this time … apparently it’s a known problem.

Mind you, according to the robot lady on the help line, it should have been fixed by now.

Is it ironic that today is the first day in a long time when I’ve wanted to phone anyone other than Mum??

I am weepy all the time right now.  The stress of the groundwater isn’t helping I suppose.

But there are moments of joy too.

I just wish you were here.  I’d feel less lost if you were here to help me.  We had such complementary abilities, it’s like I am only able to use half of my brain and also not be able to use my right arm.

I was so proud to be your wife, you amazingly beautiful man.

I miss you.

I love you.

XA