300 days…
Three Hundred Days of this insanity.
I think I’ve been worse for the past 2 months than I was in the first 2….
or maybe the fog of grief has me fooled again.
Yesterday was horrible. The kids didn’t seem to notice how bad I was though. Funny how they are so easily distracted by something shiny.
I cried a lot. On my own.
It wasn’t all about me either. I kept thinking about other people going through difficult times. It’s all just different rooms in hell really.
…and I didn’t go to church. I am losing my religion but not in an REM way. I believe in God but I don’t think he performs any miracles. I think he’s as jaded as the rest of us.
But then I took us all to Mum and Dad’s for lunch and Mum made everything bearable. I don’t know what I’d do without Mum. Seriously. If she were gone as well I think I’d be following shortly after….
Today was a bit better. I cleaned the inside of the house – something I have been neglecting due to all the work being done outside. But I always feel better when the house is clean.
…and it rained a lot today. Water has come into the garage again but the drain has stopped most of it. The backyard is a bog … indeed an idiotic woman got herself bogged on our footpath this morning. It’s wetter than it’s ever been.
I’m hoping that the current seepage is due to the fact that the deck is not yet on to provide shelter for the ground this side of the drain.
I miss you so much right now. None of this is right. None of this was supposed to happen.
How is it that the person who always seemed to know exactly what I was thinking is dead?
I love you. Forever.
XA
Letters to my husband 
my dearest amanda…you have been in my thoughts and yes in my prayers to a god who does seem incapable of answering them.
maybe what we have…we who had so much faith before…..is a truer vision of god and the world.
i look at my son…who is ill and when we are gone will be alone and i think that i used to pray for him to be better…now i just accept and spend my time in living for today. its all we can do…get through the time we have.
i am so glad you have your mum and hope that this holiday period will be over soon and you can enjoy your break from teaching.
love always,
kathleen
xxx
God says, he will give us burden that we can bear, but how would we know that how much more can we take,,,Too bad dear.
Thought of you on Christmas Day. My holiday was bearable, but the wave of emotion has hit me today. I tend to hold it together on the ‘big days’, only to fall apart about 48 hours later– although that was not the case for year #1, that was a continuous surprise of when I’d turn into a hysterical blob. I have had months where I feel I am getting better, and then months where I slide right back to the beginning of the grief. It’s tiring, but I know it will continue to lessen through the years. I keep telling myself that Christmas in Heaven kicks ass and they are the happiest. xo
Dear Amanda,
I have just read a few if your entries. The ‘firsts’ can be very difficult, the first Father’s Day, the first Christmas after the loved one has departed. My father died of a heart attack on the 8th January 2008 and 13th January 2010 my dear Mother died. The pain…sometimes indescribable. I am a committed Christian and both deaths rocked my faith and belief in God. I have learnt that death can either ‘make you or break you’. As I reflect over the last few years, in particular the last 11 months – it is only the grace of God that has brought me through many a dark and difficult night. Be true to yourself and the memories of your husband – cry when you want to cry.
Take care of you
Thank you all for your kind words.
I think I still am a Christian. I just don’t believe in miracles although I was never one to take the Bible at face value anyway (IMHO it is written by men in a different time and different circumstance and likely that the voices of all but The Most Important women were not heard).
I never prayed harder than on that endless drive home from school on that first day when I knew something was wrong, but not exactly what: “Please God let them all be OK” on perpetual loop. Like a mantra. I never got that miracle … but of course, by the time I knew something was wrong, Greg had been dead for 5 hours.
I think Kathleen is right – I now pray for acceptance. The serenity prayer pretty much sums it up.