278 days….
Well I went to the Christmas party.
I tried to have a good time.
Unfortunately I’m not chipper enough for some people though … I’m “too serious“.
Made me feel like shite when I was trying so hard to be upbeat. I was trying to fake it ’til I make it. I thought I had a pretty good mask in place.
If only they knew the effort I have to put in not to cry all the time.
Thankfully I have got some great blog buddies who have cheered me up.
I spent much of today in tears again though. I guess it comes from a combination of limited sleep and the gushing geyser under the house. Fuck it all – I don’t even know who to call about it anymore. I fear the house will start to crumble around me as water eats away the dirt under the house.
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I had somewhat of another revelation about the 11s again today.
You are buried at Lawn 11. I never realised the significance of where we chose to bury you until today. 11s follow me around and I take them as a sign from you.
I miss you so much.
I love you.
XA
Letters to my husband 
can’t understand some people…and where was your friend who really wanted you to be there?
if you want to be a hermit…be a hermit. its only natural and you don’t have to pretend.
but…if you do need to gussy yourself up for any reason…remember my offer of free gear.
i am so sorry about the party..especially after reading yesterday’s post.
Dearest A
Some people are so unbelievably crass aren’t they. Fuck ’em! So sorry that it was such an ordeal. It’s so hard knowing when to push past the doubts and go for it, and when to curl up under the duvet instead.
You are clearly such a brave, funny, wonderful, talented woman Amanda. Those pricks don’t deserve your company.
I wish I had a magic carpet to fly across the oceans and timezones to say hi. xxx
bastards. Seems harsh, but seriously. Too Serious. Phht. In my head I would go with, “I’m sorry my reality causes you discomfort. I’ll be sure to keep away from you, to protect your fragility.”
I’m cheering for you, and many people don’t understand your pain so they react in ignorance.
Son of a biscuit-why can’t people know what to say and when to say it!! I am relatively ok until someone asks how I am doing–then the tears flow unchecked. Amanda, it has been two and a half years since my sister died and I still cry Every Single Day… I wonder if it will ever stop being so close to the surface. Even my very best friend, sister of another mother, asked me if I was ever going to stop grieving and referencing dates of events in relation to Teri’s date of passing. I was shocked and hurt but decided not to speak of Teri to her anymore for the time being. Upshot, I continue to wipe away the salty tears-every bloody day. Wishing I could be with you for an hour or so just to feel it outright and be able to talk about it.
…and again I am humbled by the support from people who DO understand grief.
Thank you all for your kind words.
I feel better today – sleep works wonders.
Now if only I knew how to fix the spring under my house!
I just can’t believe the audacity, rudeness and senseless stupidity of some people.
One of my dad’s favourite sayings rings so true: “The more people I meet, the more I love my dog!” Take care. …Fiona.
I’m sorry the party attempt wasn’t a big success… but you were brave enough to try it. Of course you know not to pay any attention to what others say about your grieving timeline — they have NO CONCEPT. You will be joyful again, though maybe not this year.
I hope the gushing geyser under the house calms down.
I never seem to have any words that are useful to you. i have virtual hugs though, I hope they are of some comfort x